Relationships Part 1 - Happiness

A relationship won't make you happy. 

Sorry if that sounds harsh and counter-intuitive. After all, isn't that why we want to be in a relationship? To achieve some leve of happiness that we can't experience when we're alone?

There are, of course, unhappy relationships. We've all witnessed this. We've all known someone who was in a relationship with an insufferable partner. Did the relationship make them happy? Did it make their insufferable partner happy? 

A relationship is an empty stage. On that stage, two actors improvise a play. If both actors live reasonably happy lives, their play will be happy, too. If the actors are humorous or adventurous or thoughtful, those play will take on those.

But if you walk out onto a stage with a person who is angry or petty or vengeful or grief stricken or insecure, your play may open to harsh reviews. You and your partner will struggle. Even if you dedicate yourself to a lengthy, in depth rewrite, the chances of success are slim. If you're lucky, the production will close early. You'll be able to move with your life - and without a burdensome partner.

The bottom line is that the stage is blank. It offers nothing but a chance for interaction between players. The players might feel excitement upon entering the stage, but that excitement will fade. The plot and mood of the play is up to them and everything that they bring to the stage, the good and the bad, the supportive and the troublesome.

There's no secret ingredient in a relationship. There's no magical drug that vanquishes pain and banishes trouble. If you yourself feel miserable, your relationship will be miserable. Maybe not right away - the sudden enthusiasm of having someone to spend time with might mask the trouble for a while - but eventually, you'll be two people standing face to face with lots of time on your hands and nowhere to hide.

Do you want to have better relationships? Start by working on yourself. Get your own act together so your partner doesn't have to deal with excessive emotional baggage. Sooner or later, that baggage is going to drive a wedge between you and person who cares for you. 

Your relationships will be happy not because they exist, but  because of the happiness that you bring to them, both you and your partner. Bring as much happiness as you can. Share it generously with your partner. There's no bonus for keeping it hidden away. 

And take care of the issues that prevent you from feeling happy. Own them and address them proactively. Your partner is not responsible for your happiness; you are. Take care of yourself first, so you can take better care of those with whom you will fall in love.

Copyright © 2016 Daniel R. South 

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