South Of Someplace

Saturday, September 7, 2013

A Brief History Of Sex

1930's - There's a war and a depression going on, and they took our alcohol away. But we still have sex.

1940's - The war is over! Let's celebrate with sex!

1950's - It's not nice to have sex, and make sure that you don't ENJOY it.

1960's - Wow! I can have sex with just about anyone!

1970's - Wow! I've had sex with just about everyone!

1980's - Holy shit! I'm glad I didn't have sex with someone who had AIDS.

1990's - Take this pill. It will help you have better sex.

2000's - Do yoga. It will help you have better sex.

2010's - Oh no! Everyone I've had sex with is on Facebook!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Cynical Soliloquies - Volume 1

- You are unique! You are different than everyone else. That's why no one likes you.

- Bad breath will come back. Bad dreams can recur. But bad neighbors never go away.

- No matter what happens, maintain a positive attitude. The business world relies on a good supply of suckers.

- The Optimist believes that the glass is half full because the Pessimist figured out that he could serve the guy only half a glass, and he still wouldn't complain.

- If you don't work hard, you'll be thrown out. If you DO work hard, you'll get WORN out, and when you can't keep the pace up anymore, you'll be thrown out. Given the choice, save your energy.

- Always remember that you are not your past. You are not your parents, and you are not your mistakes. But your parents will always remember your past mistakes.

- His bark is worse than his bite. Unless he bites you.

- A penny saved is not going to make up for all of the dollars that you've squandered. But hey, it's a start!

- Some days it just doesn't pay to get up in the morning. Actually, it never pays to get up in the morning. No one ever got paid to roll out of bed.

- Mean is synonymous with Average. Think of what that signifies. The average person is mean. And mean people are average. Half of the population is meaner than average. No wonder life can be so unpleasant!

- Is it really an ad hominem attack when you let some inflexible, argumentative person know that they're a complete idiot? Right. I didn't think so.

- Two women walked past on their lunch break. One was informing the other that she had just received a two dollar refund from Lysol. I recognize that everyone has different priorities. But if that's all that I had to discuss on my lunch break, I'd look for ways to add some excitement to my life.

- Life is unusually kind to schmoozers, suck-ups and brown-nosers. There is nothing that you can do to change this. It is one of the unfair and unfortunate realities of human society. Don't waste time resenting these folks or hoping to witness their downfall. Just focus on your work, your family and your interests, and keep what's important in mind.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Breakthrough

I have been devoting considerable time and effort to a new creative project. A few days ago I realized that part of it was not working out as well as expected.

My first thought was that I could fix the problematic part if I devoted more time and energy to it. Soon, I realized that it would be better to scrap it and start over.

I spent a few hours coming up with something new. It was better than the the first version, but still not up to my standards. I trashed version 2, as well.

Last evening, I spent a few hours on version 3, and I am finally pleased with the results. I had my breakthrough.

The important thing to remember is that the breakthrough would not have been possible if I hadn't invested the time on those earlier versions. Strictly speaking, I wasted several hours on bad ideas, but in the end it wasn't a waste at all. My missteps directed me to where I needed to go. They clarified my vision, and they demonstrated gaps in my understanding that I would need to resolve before I could create the final product.

Don't fret over missteps, delays, or missed opportunities. The path to a goal rarely follows a straight line. We need to meander from idea to idea while we formulate a more complete vision, build critical skills, and forge the final expression of that vision into a polished form.

Welcome ambiguity. Work through frustration. Understand each roadblock and learn from each experience what you'll need to know in order to advance to the next level. Be willing to give up on a bad idea - or five-hundred of them - but never give up on your dreams.

Proper Attire

When I'm not wearing a tie I feel exposed, as though I were walking around in my underwear. From the observer's point of view, I would assume the two to be equally unappealing.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Keep Working

When a plan doesn't turn out the way that you wanted it to, keep working. When the job gets tough and tedious and frustrating, keep working. When you're bored, tired, hungry, or ready to give up, keep working. In fact, the best approach to just about every difficulty is, keep working.

On The Edge Of A New Idea

I have an idea, something that I would like to express with my photography over the next few months. It's not all that complicated, but I've never tried anything like this before. It will require an investment of time and effort.

At the moment, the idea exists only in my head. There's always a gap between concept and reality. Some ideas fly and others flop. It's exciting to stand on the edge of that realization not knowing which way it will go.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

An Old Song Updated for the Social Media Generation

To all the girls I've loved before
Exquisite ladies I adore
I want you to be always sure
You're in my thoughts for evermore

To all the girls I've loved before
You might have gained a little weight
It could be something that you ate
Like ice cream that was shipped by freight

To all the girls I've loved before
I'm glad we did it when you were hot
Your Facebook picture says you're not
It scares me, and I mean a lot

To all the girls I've loved before
I hope I haven't made you cry
You're probably in better shape than I
Except for the cellulite on your thigh

To all the girls I've loved before
I partied with too many kegs
And ate too many scrambled eggs
There's no circulation in my legs

To all the girls I've loved before
I'm giving all my heart to you
And so that you know I'm true
My arteries are clogged with goo

To all the girls I've loved before

You might send an old pic to me

I've no longer the memory

To fantasize about the way you used to be

To all the girls I've loved before

I hope that you've enjoyed song

And if I said to much that's wrong

Un-friend my ass and say "So long!"

Proactive Heat Conditioning

I enjoy summer weather, but as I have gotten older it has become more difficult to tolerate extreme heat.

This year I decided to confront this weakness proactively. I went out on several midday runs on the hottest days, nothing too long or strenuous, but enough to condition my body to be more tolerant of the heat.

The training worked surprisingly well. I am quite comfortable now even when the temperature reaches well into the 90s Fahrenheit.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Could It Be Any Hotter?

A man and his wife stepped onto the elevator that I was about to take upstairs.

"Could it be any hotter?" the man asked rhetorically.

"I've been to Death Valley," I said gleefully. "It gets a LOT hotter than this."

They each gave me the evil death stare. I suppose that it was rude to rain on their pity party.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Bank Of Dad

Many years ago my son gave me a wonderful gift, a T-shirt emblazoned with the phrase 'Bank Of Dad'. We enjoyed a good laugh over the open-wallet nature of parenthood.

The shirt is one of my prized possessions. I store it carefully to keep it in good condition and I rarely wear it outside of the house.

This morning, I was wearing the shirt when I decided to pick up a coffee and make a stop at the market. The market cashier, a lady in her early twenties, took note.

"I like your shirt!" she said.

"Thanks!"

"I should get one for my Dad," she added.

"Oh, that would be a nice gift!"

"Yeah," she said, "he asks me all the time: 'Do I look like a bank to you?'"

I love my 'Bank Of Dad' shirt. Every dad should have one!