South Of Someplace: March 2015

Monday, March 30, 2015

New York Minute 10 - Lunch With The Bums

Witnessed today during my lunch break:

- A bum throwing up beside the back tire of a parked white pickup truck. It's always nice to have a truck bed to hold on to while you're tossing your cookies.

- A second really tall and skinny bum (at least 6'6") stroking a miniature pine tree in a gently erotic fashion. The guy looked completely stoned in a calm and docile way.

- A third bum rummaging through a garbage can. I see that all the time. What made this guy noteworthy is that the top of his pants were down around his thighs. He had to hold the pants with both hands as he walked, or they would have slid down his legs. Apparently, it's important to keep up with the latest urban fashion trends while picking through public trash cans.

All of this happened within a seven-minute span.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Early Judeo-Christian Humor

One day, many years before the great flood, Adam and Noah were sitting around chatting and enjoying some wine.

"Hey, do you remember the story about the serpent in our garden?" Adam asked.

"Of course!" answered Noah. "Everyone knows that story."

"Well, there's a second chapter to the story that they never wrote down."

"Really?" asked Noah. "What happened?"

"Well, once the serpent began feasting on human sin, he grew to be quite large and became very powerful," Adam explained. "He used to slither into town from time to time and harass people."

"That doesn't sound good!" Noah observed with a voice of concern.

"It was pretty bad," Adam continued. "I tried to stay away from him. But one day, I walked out of my house, and there he was waiting for me."

"Oh, no!"

"Yeah," Adam confirmed. "And he was in a really foul mood, I mean even for HIM."

"Uh oh! What did he want?"

"He said that he needed a human sacrifice," Adam explained. "He told me that he was going to swallow me whole, that it was my punishment for mismanaging the Garden of Eden."

"That takes some nerve," Noah exclaimed. "Didn't he cause that whole issue?"

"Yeah, well, I guess either he has a short memory or he was just feeling greedy."

"And weren't you guys already punished for that mistake?" Noah asked.

"You'd THINK!" Adam confirmed. "We were evicted. We were embarrassed. We let everybody down. It was a whole big mess."

"Did you try to reason with the guy?" Noah suggested.

"Yeah, but he wouldn't budge," Adam continued. "He wanted a human sacrifice, and he said that he wasn't leaving without one."

"So, what did you do?" Noah asked. "I mean, obviously, he didn't eat you."

"Oh, it was no big deal," Adam explained. "I just gave him the old Eve ho."

Things Can Always Be Worse

I endured a grossly unpleasant and physically sickening six-hour ordeal aboard an airliner this past weekend. I was forced to spend the entire cross country flight sitting next to a potently foul smelling individual. The plane was full. There was no opportunity to change seats.

But at the end of the day, the airline delivered me safely to my destination more or less on time. The flight crew didn't kill me by deliberately crashing the plane into one of the many mountains that we crossed that day or ditching the aircraft in Lake Michigan or frozen Lake Erie.

So, you know what? I'm not going to complain. Things can always be worse. Much, much worse. Remember that the next time you're feeling frustrated or uncomfortable or desperate. Things can always be worse.

Deepest sympathies to the victims and the families of the unspeakable Germanwings/Lufthansa tragedy.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

The Streak

Every time I visit California, it rains. It doesn't just rain somewhere in California. That would be cheating; California covers a large area and comprises a variety of climates.

No, every time I'm in California it rains where I am. I even saw rain in Death Valley, one of the driest deserts on earth.

I thought that the current drought was going to end my streak, but when I awoke this morning in Marin County, I walked out into a light rain. Ah, beautiful! I'm honored to be of service, California! Please feel free to call me the next time you need a dose of precipitation.

Tailgating

When did tailgating become the default driving practice? I remember having to deal with the occasional panicked nitwit who just had to get past me. Maybe his wife was in labor. Maybe his business was being robbed. I'm willing to look the other way on occasion.

But tailgating happens much more frequently today. Every time I get into a car, I'm tailgated. If it doesn't happen within the first three minutes of my drive, it's unusual.

I'm not a slow driver. I tend to push the speed limit, sometimes excessively, and yes, I have received my share of speeding tickets and warnings over the years. Yet, apparently, I'm not driving fast enough to be socially acceptable.

Think about what the tailgater is saying with his or her actions:

"I am so disgusted by your blatant and selfish refusal to exceed the speed limit, that I am willing to put my life and yours at risk in an effort to convince you either to drive faster or to pull over and get out of my way."

That's pathetic. If you're running late, it's not my fault. It's yours. Perhaps you should have left a few minutes earlier instead of creating a public menace. Your lack of planning shows poor discipline, and your lack of regard for the welfare of others should disqualify you from driving altogether.

Maybe the penalties for tailgating should be raised. First offense: $500 fine. Second offense: loss of license for 30 days. Three plus: loss of license for a year. Blatant re-offenders get jail time. Maybe a schedule of harsh penalties would inspire more civility on our already too dangerous roadways.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Overheard At The Baggage Claim

A young woman chatted with a friend while waiting for her suitcase to appear at an airport baggage carousel.

"I HATE to fly!" she exclaimed passionately.

I thought to myself that there are other options. She could have taken a train across the country, or she could have driven. Flying probably wouldn't have seemed so bad after three or four days in a car. Assuming that she could have managed that much driving in the first place.

Last Time I Compliment An Airline Pilot

Me: "Nice flight! Great landing!"

Airline Captain: "Whoa! First time flyer! Great!"

My brain: "Thanks a lot, douche bag! By the way, did I mention that you're short, fat, ugly, and probably don't have a whole lot going on in your pants?"

Airliner Bathroom Design

Airliner bathroom design: The mirror is three feet wide. The sink is three inches deep.

I would have traded a couple of square feet of mirror for a sink with enough volume for a grown man to actually be able to wash his hands.

Just saying...

Friday, March 13, 2015

New York Minute 9 - Fuel Economy

I noticed the new car smell right away. The cab driver confirmed that I was riding in a brand new Toyota Camry. He said that he loved the car and that it only cost him seven dollars per shift in fuel. His old car cost $45 per shift.

I asked him if the car was a hybrid. It was.

"You must be saving a lot of money," I observed.

"Yes," he replied. "But I have to pay a $42/week surcharge for driving a hybrid."

What idiot came up with a rule that penalizes commercial drivers for using fuel efficient cars? How does that make any sense?

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Work Life Balance

I came. I saw. I'm knackered.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

New York Minute 8 - Protest March

A large number of protesters are filing past my office building at this very moment chanting and carrying the flag of Tibet. I can't make out what they're saying, but they are quite loud.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

New York Minute 7 - Man In The Street

"Did you see the guy lying in the street?" My colleague had a look of amazement on his face.

We leaned toward the floor-to-ceiling window. A man was lying on his back on the pavement many stories below, his torso in the the street and his legs on the sidewalk. The man was middle aged to elderly, dressed in black with a long black coat. He was conscious.

Two police officers were speaking with the man. One officer crouched down while the other walked back and forth bringing supplies from their car. pulled a blanket from the car and covered the man. A moment later a fire truck pulled up. The firemen brought more supplies and administered first aid.

We were left to wonder what might have happened to the poor fellow. Did he slip or stumble? Had he suffered a health scare? Had be been pushed or beaten or hit by a vehicle? He was just there, an anomaly in a flowing sea of rush hour pedestrians, an unfortunate casualty of some unknown and unexpected fate. Satisfied that the man was receiving care, we resumed our work.

Friday, March 6, 2015

New York Minute 6 - Refuge for the Hopeless

I used to pass through Penn Station twice every day for years. It's not unusual to see homeless people milling about, sitting, sleeping, or occasionally panhandling. But I have never seen the homeless situation there as bad as it was today. I was like a convention for the destitute.

Every twenty feet I passed another desperate soul. A young, slender man with sturdy canes asked people for change. A, unkempt middle-aged man leered at passers by while sporting an unnerving grin.

A guy in the men's room cursed the patrons who were occupying the stalls. "I know you're not doing a Number Two, in there!" (I'm paraphrasing.) He then listed some of the things that he thought that the stall users might be doing. Neither the words nor the ideas were repeatable.

A crew of police officers were encouraging a frightened-looking man to pull up his pants. "You can't have your pants down here, sir!" the female office said calmly. The man claimed to have a rash. They guided him gently toward the men's room where the angry man continued to yell at the stall occupants.

We need to do something about the homeless problem in this country. It's not an issue that can be ignored any longer. Some communities have programs that work well. We need to implement those programs nation wide. The money will be well spent when children traveling with their families no longer have to witness the ravages of insanity and addiction just because they had to pass through a big city train station.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Tarzan

I wonder what happened to Tarzan, white dude running around the African savannas and jungles wearing a loin cloth, chatting with his animal pals, swinging from vines and wrestling crocodiles in the river. This all seemed perfectly reasonable when I was six years old.

Today, we are more keenly aware of the real problems that confront Africa and its diverse array of nations. Romanticized Victorian notions about "The Dark Continent" have been all but overwritten by decades of photojournalism and television coverage, some of it quite morbid. A charging elephant may have seemed like the ultimate threat to a Tarzan fan in the Twentieth Century. Who then could have imagined the grim realities of famine, drought, civil and religious warfare, high tech poaching, malaria, AIDS, terrorism, and genocide, troubles that even schoolchildren understand today.

A world where information flows so freely is a frightening place, perhaps too frightening even for brave, heroic, Tarzan. Still, it's better to recognize the truth.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Unified Theory of Mammals

Someone should develop a Unified Theory of Mammals to explain the human tendency to take on the behavior of other species -

- the pig
- the goat
- the sloth
- the rat
- the chimp
- the dog (including the bitch)
- the monkey
- the gorilla
- the fox
- the lion
- the tiger
- the wolf
- the badger
- the lemming
- the shrew
- the skunk
- the squirrel
- the sheep
- and of course, the oft-mentioned deer in the headlights.

I'll give the author extra credit if he or she can explain how homo sapiens produces such massive volumes of bullshit.

South Of Someplace