South Of Someplace

Monday, March 30, 2015

New York Minute 10 - Lunch With The Bums

Witnessed today during my lunch break:

- A bum throwing up beside the back tire of a parked white pickup truck. It's always nice to have a truck bed to hold on to while you're tossing your cookies.

- A second really tall and skinny bum (at least 6'6") stroking a miniature pine tree in a gently erotic fashion. The guy looked completely stoned in a calm and docile way.

- A third bum rummaging through a garbage can. I see that all the time. What made this guy noteworthy is that the top of his pants were down around his thighs. He had to hold the pants with both hands as he walked, or they would have slid down his legs. Apparently, it's important to keep up with the latest urban fashion trends while picking through public trash cans.

All of this happened within a seven-minute span.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Early Judeo-Christian Humor

One day, many years before the great flood, Adam and Noah were sitting around chatting and enjoying some wine.

"Hey, do you remember the story about the serpent in our garden?" Adam asked.

"Of course!" answered Noah. "Everyone knows that story."

"Well, there's a second chapter to the story that they never wrote down."

"Really?" asked Noah. "What happened?"

"Well, once the serpent began feasting on human sin, he grew to be quite large and became very powerful," Adam explained. "He used to slither into town from time to time and harass people."

"That doesn't sound good!" Noah observed with a voice of concern.

"It was pretty bad," Adam continued. "I tried to stay away from him. But one day, I walked out of my house, and there he was waiting for me."

"Oh, no!"

"Yeah," Adam confirmed. "And he was in a really foul mood, I mean even for HIM."

"Uh oh! What did he want?"

"He said that he needed a human sacrifice," Adam explained. "He told me that he was going to swallow me whole, that it was my punishment for mismanaging the Garden of Eden."

"That takes some nerve," Noah exclaimed. "Didn't he cause that whole issue?"

"Yeah, well, I guess either he has a short memory or he was just feeling greedy."

"And weren't you guys already punished for that mistake?" Noah asked.

"You'd THINK!" Adam confirmed. "We were evicted. We were embarrassed. We let everybody down. It was a whole big mess."

"Did you try to reason with the guy?" Noah suggested.

"Yeah, but he wouldn't budge," Adam continued. "He wanted a human sacrifice, and he said that he wasn't leaving without one."

"So, what did you do?" Noah asked. "I mean, obviously, he didn't eat you."

"Oh, it was no big deal," Adam explained. "I just gave him the old Eve ho."

Things Can Always Be Worse

I endured a grossly unpleasant and physically sickening six-hour ordeal aboard an airliner this past weekend. I was forced to spend the entire cross country flight sitting next to a potently foul smelling individual. The plane was full. There was no opportunity to change seats.

But at the end of the day, the airline delivered me safely to my destination more or less on time. The flight crew didn't kill me by deliberately crashing the plane into one of the many mountains that we crossed that day or ditching the aircraft in Lake Michigan or frozen Lake Erie.

So, you know what? I'm not going to complain. Things can always be worse. Much, much worse. Remember that the next time you're feeling frustrated or uncomfortable or desperate. Things can always be worse.

Deepest sympathies to the victims and the families of the unspeakable Germanwings/Lufthansa tragedy.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

The Streak

Every time I visit California, it rains. It doesn't just rain somewhere in California. That would be cheating; California covers a large area and comprises a variety of climates.

No, every time I'm in California it rains where I am. I even saw rain in Death Valley, one of the driest deserts on earth.

I thought that the current drought was going to end my streak, but when I awoke this morning in Marin County, I walked out into a light rain. Ah, beautiful! I'm honored to be of service, California! Please feel free to call me the next time you need a dose of precipitation.

Tailgating

When did tailgating become the default driving practice? I remember having to deal with the occasional panicked nitwit who just had to get past me. Maybe his wife was in labor. Maybe his business was being robbed. I'm willing to look the other way on occasion.

But tailgating happens much more frequently today. Every time I get into a car, I'm tailgated. If it doesn't happen within the first three minutes of my drive, it's unusual.

I'm not a slow driver. I tend to push the speed limit, sometimes excessively, and yes, I have received my share of speeding tickets and warnings over the years. Yet, apparently, I'm not driving fast enough to be socially acceptable.

Think about what the tailgater is saying with his or her actions:

"I am so disgusted by your blatant and selfish refusal to exceed the speed limit, that I am willing to put my life and yours at risk in an effort to convince you either to drive faster or to pull over and get out of my way."

That's pathetic. If you're running late, it's not my fault. It's yours. Perhaps you should have left a few minutes earlier instead of creating a public menace. Your lack of planning shows poor discipline, and your lack of regard for the welfare of others should disqualify you from driving altogether.

Maybe the penalties for tailgating should be raised. First offense: $500 fine. Second offense: loss of license for 30 days. Three plus: loss of license for a year. Blatant re-offenders get jail time. Maybe a schedule of harsh penalties would inspire more civility on our already too dangerous roadways.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Overheard At The Baggage Claim

A young woman chatted with a friend while waiting for her suitcase to appear at an airport baggage carousel.

"I HATE to fly!" she exclaimed passionately.

I thought to myself that there are other options. She could have taken a train across the country, or she could have driven. Flying probably wouldn't have seemed so bad after three or four days in a car. Assuming that she could have managed that much driving in the first place.

Last Time I Compliment An Airline Pilot

Me: "Nice flight! Great landing!"

Airline Captain: "Whoa! First time flyer! Great!"

My brain: "Thanks a lot, douche bag! By the way, did I mention that you're short, fat, ugly, and probably don't have a whole lot going on in your pants?"

Airliner Bathroom Design

Airliner bathroom design: The mirror is three feet wide. The sink is three inches deep.

I would have traded a couple of square feet of mirror for a sink with enough volume for a grown man to actually be able to wash his hands.

Just saying...

Friday, March 13, 2015

New York Minute 9 - Fuel Economy

I noticed the new car smell right away. The cab driver confirmed that I was riding in a brand new Toyota Camry. He said that he loved the car and that it only cost him seven dollars per shift in fuel. His old car cost $45 per shift.

I asked him if the car was a hybrid. It was.

"You must be saving a lot of money," I observed.

"Yes," he replied. "But I have to pay a $42/week surcharge for driving a hybrid."

What idiot came up with a rule that penalizes commercial drivers for using fuel efficient cars? How does that make any sense?

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Work Life Balance

I came. I saw. I'm knackered.