South Of Someplace: November 2019

Saturday, November 30, 2019

If You Are A Cow

If you are a cow

Or a pig or fish or fowl

I might eat you now

New York Minute 169 - Fuzzy White Dog

A girl who looked to be in about the eighth grade was walking large white dog. The dog’s fur was thick and fuzzy with its winter growth. I noticed them, because the dog was taking a dump just outside the doorway to the cafe where I buy my afternoon coffee.

When the dog finished its business, he got very excited and bounded in a circular motion that pulled the girl off balance. I’m guessing the was young given this sudden burst of movement. Unfortunately, his unexpected leap caused the girl to step forward and place one of her stylish sneakers right in the fresh pile of poop. Ugh! I felt really bad for her, the poor thing!

Anyway, I tried to get that picture out of my head as I waited on line to purchase my coffee. When I walked back outside, I expected to see a big brown mess, but the girl did a fine job of cleaning up after the dog despite her soiled shoe. The sidewalk looked quite tidy with only a trace of poop residue.

New York Minute 168 - Scream 2

As I walked back to my office after a coffee break, a very young child, a little girl, sped past me on a tiny shooter. The child’s mother was quite far behind. I couldn’t see her, as she was walking under some scaffolding, but I heard her call the child’s name in an effort to get her to slow down.

The child didn’t slow down at all. The mother yelled, “Freeze!” but there was still no reaction.

As the little girl raced toward the end of the block, the mother called her name again, this time in a terrified scream. I was quite far from the child now, as I he nearly reached the entrance to my office building, so I could not see precisely where she was or how close the might have been to scooting out into traffic.

As I reached the door of my building, I heard the mother make one final, unforgettable sound, a blood-chilling shriek or terror. I hope that the child was okay. There were plenty of people on the sidewalk; hopefully, one of them intervened if the situation became dangerous. But that mother needs to get control of her kid or take the scooter away from her. I have never heard such screaming.

Wednesday, November 27, 2019

A Strategy For Happiness

If you want to be happy, don’t take advice from unhappy people. If they knew what to do, they would be happy.

Impeachment Concerns

Here are two phrases that you have probably heard lately: “trying to reverse an election” and “trying to unseat a duly elected president.” If you haven’t heard them, you probably will when you chat with your relatives over the holidays.

The United States of America elects its presidents by a process established in the constitution that was written and ratified by the nation’s founders. A presidential election is held once every four years.

The same constitution that provides for a method of electing a president provides for a method of removing one early, i.e. before his or her four-year term ends.

Why is this important?

As head of state, the president has a lot of power. If they abuse that power, it might not be safe to leave them in office for a full term. Continued abuse can do irreparable harm to the country and to our governmental norms and institutions.

Imagine the following scenario involving a fictional president from the party that you like least. His name is President Dirtbag.

In our fictional scenario, Congress passes a number of bills and budgets, but President Dirtbag kills every one of these bills using his veto power. Congressional leaders become frustrated and ask for a meeting with the president. In the meeting, President Dirtbag makes the following offer.

“I will pass any bill or budget that you send to me, as long as you agree to do me two favors. First, I want twenty million dollars transferred into my personal bank account. Secondly, I want two young, attractive female congressional staffers to come over here to the White House and have sex with me for the weekend. If you do me these two simple favors, I will pass your bill or approve your budget. If you won’t do as I ask, I will veto the bill or anything that you try to enact into law.”

What President Dirtbag has proposed is reprehensible, immoral, and unethical. Further, it is corrupt, illegal, and unconstitutional. Clearly, Congress cannot in good faith give in to these demands. But what are the options?

Should the country be held hostage by an unethical leader? Will we have to go for four years without a budget or advancement of any meaningful legislation? Voters can elect a more reasonable president eventually, but can we wait that long? Or should Congress take action and make an attempt to remove President Dirtbag for “high crimes and misdemeanors?”

The framers of the US Constitution included impeachment for a reason. It is a legal, legitimate, and non-violent method for terminating a corrupt or treasonous presidency, a presidency that could do irreparable harm to the country and the world if it is allowed to go to term. If someone suggests that impeachment is improper or extreme, remind them that it is no more improper than elections. Both of them are provisions defined in the same document, the document that every service member and every elected official at the national level has sworn to protect and defend.

Tuesday, November 26, 2019

New York Minute 167 - Scream 1

As I was walking to the subway after work this evening, I heard a woman let out a shriek followed by a bystander, another woman, exclaiming, “Oh, my God!” I turned to see what had happened and saw a young lady standing in a crosswalk with her phone in her hand. She was attempting to take a picture of a vehicle, a white minivan, that had stopped a few feet away.

The driver of the minivan must have stopped when he heard the shriek. He rolled down the window, looked back toward the young woman and asked her, “Are you okay?”

“You just HIT me!” she said angrily.

“I’m sorry,” said the driver. He must have been quite shocked.

“Well, you should be more careful,” the young woman scolded. “You really almost hit me.”

At this point, my brain went, “What??”

There’s a world of difference between hitting someone with a car and “really almost” hitting them. I’m quite certain that anyone who has ever been hit by a car would trade that experience for being “almost” hit by a car. Being “almost” hit is far less painful or injurious; only your feelings get hurt.

Now, here’s something to ponder. Imagine that a car passed close by you but didn’t actually hit you. Would your first impulse be to pull out your mobile phone to take a photo of the car? If so, for what purpose? Would you accuse a driver of hitting you when that’s not at all what really happened? What kind of person would do something like that?

Monday, November 25, 2019

Enough Is Enough

At the request of right-wing pundits, the president pardoned three US troops/officers who were either on trial for war crimes or had already been convicted. This action undermines the military’s ability to maintain order and discipline. When the Secretary of the Navy indicated that the Navy would still investigate the wrongdoing of the SEAL who was pardoned, Agent Orange had the Secretary fired.

This is just plain wrong. Every veteran knows it. Everyone in a military family knows it. Everyone in America knows if, including Republicans. How anyone can continue to support this dishonorable joke of a leader is beyond me.

I have heard Republicans claim that Obama weakened the military. I don’t know enough details to determine whether those claims were well-founded or not. But it is abundantly clear that Trump is not only weakening, but CORRUPTING, our military with his imbecilic autocracy. It’s time to say enough is enough and toss this malignant cancer out of the White House before it does more damage.

Run Away

Let’s run away

And do the things

That people dream of doing

When they run away together

Saturday, November 23, 2019

Statues

I hope one day the

Statues will all come alive

And crap on the birds

Thursday, November 21, 2019

Ranking The Debate Candidates

Top Tier - Buttigeig, Wang

It makes sense that the two youngest candidates have the best understand of 21st Century problems such as workforce automation and the weaponization of artificial intelligence. Buttigeig is in a class by himself in terms of his ability to think on his feet and respond thoughtfully to questions on complex issues. Wang is a brilliant technology CEO with a no-nonsense approach to issues. This is the kind of leadership the country needs going forward.

Tier Two - Steyer

An earnest billionaire who puts his money where his mouth is and considers climate change to be the top priority.

Tier Three - Biden

Unfocused and capable of putting his foot in his mouth, in terms of trust and electability, he’s still the man to beat.

Tier Four - Sanders, Warren

I understand that they want to tear down the current system, and I understand why. But with a man in the White House doing his best to incinerate the guardrails of Western democracy, I don’t understand why the can’t see that further destruction is a risky approach. It’s like Batman razing Gotham City because the Joker is on a crime spree.

Tier Five - Booker, Harris

Not ready. Warren will make an excellent US Attorney General. Booker should run again in a few years.

Tier Six - Klobuchar

She may be the only person left who thinks that she has what it takes to be president, and given the way that she was shaking on stage, I’m not sure that even she is convinced.

Bottom Of The Barrel - Gabbard

Bride of Frankenstein? Lucifer’s Evil Stepdaughter? Malignant tumor on the Democratic Party? All of the above?

Wednesday, November 20, 2019

Jump Up

Better to explain

Some awkward mistakes

Than regret all the chances

You failed to take

Jump up and say ‘Yes!’

When life offers a break

Nobody wins here

By playing it safe

Nobody wins

By playing it safe

Establishing Accomplishment Targets

Set weekly and monthly targets for what you want to accomplish. For example:

Prepare two new recipes each month.

Take three twenty-minute walks every week.

Complete one home repair project each month.

Read a book a week.

Make two new business contacts every week.

Write a blog post or a chapter of a book each month.

Seating targets or quotas for what you want to accomplish can help your productivity in a number or ways. You’ll be better able to manage your time, first of all, because you’ll have a clear reason to avoid distractions. It’s easier to avoid low-productivity activities like watching television eat up your discretionary time when you know that you have a project due.

Targets help keep you focused. We have all had the experience of letting an important project fall by the wayside. We get side-tracked, and before we know it, weeks or months pass without any progress.

Establishing weekly or monthly goals can help to prevent this. Regular delivery of results keeps us busy and productive. We establish a rhythm with its own compelling momentum. We also build skill when we work regularly, and that helps us to be more productive.

But here’s the best part of all. When we complete regular deliverables, we have the opportunity to share them. The books you read, you can discuss with your friends. The repairs you finish, you can show off to your relatives. Your family will enjoy the new recipes that you prepare, and you can talk about how well it worked out (or laugh about how badly it flopped) with your colleagues the next day. Sharing your results will help you to stay motivated; you’ll want to keep busy and produce more results.

These are some of the advantages to setting regular targets for productivity, but there are some caveats that you should keep in mind.

First, don’t try to do too much. Set easy to reach goals, at least in the beginning. As long as you are accomplishing some small thing every week or every month, you’re being productive. There’s no need to increase your stress by taking on a massive burden.

If you try to cram too much into each period, you’ll run the risk of getting frustrated. You can always ramp the work load up later if you find that you have untapped capacity, but be cautious about adding too much work to your schedule. If you do discover that you’re trying to do too much, dial back the workload right away. A slow, steady, comfortable pace will get you to where you need to be.

Secondly, avoid the temptation to set daily goals. This may seem counterintuitive, but you can get yourself in trouble by trying to meet a target every single day.

The amount of free time that we have each day varies. We all have deadlines to deliver, appointments to make, and events to attend. Further, emergencies and unexpected inconveniences can pop up at any time. When such demands present themselves, we have to take care of them. We can’t just brush them aside simply because we intended to work on an important objective.

When you face a demanding day, you might need to skip or skimp on your daily target. Miss your targets a few times, and you might stop taking them seriously. The motivating factor of having a regular deliverable will be lost if you get the idea that it’s okay to let it slide once in a while.

Weekly and monthly targets give you more flexibility. You can work less, or not at all, on days when life throws a lot of demands at you. Work on your target projects on days when you have more free time, and you’ll be able to stay on track with less stress.

I hope that these ideas will inspire you to take on new challenges and perhaps start important project that you didn’t think that you had time to pursue. I would love to hear how this works out for you. Best wishes!

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

Thank You

I realized today that as a result of my travels and exposure to international culture, I know how to say “Thank you” in a number of different languages and dialects. I have forgotten a few of them (Denmark, Croatia, Montenegro), but here are the ones that I can recall without reference.

English: Thank you very much!

French: Merci beaucoup!

Spanish: ¡Muchas gracias!

Italian: Grazie mille!

Portuguese: Muito obrigado!

German: Danke schön!

Dutch: Dank je!

Flemish (in parts of Belgium that don’t speak French): Dank u wel!

Swedish: Tack!

Romanian: Multsumesc!

Hungarian: Köszönöm!

Slovakian: Dakujem!

I’ll write the next group phonetically.

Russian: Spasiba

Greek: Efcaristó

Arabic: Shookrahn

Urdu: Shookria

Hindi: Dhanyavad

Mandarin Chinese: SHIE-shie

Japanese: Arrigato gozaimasu

Korean: Hahm Sahmnidah

Finally, two more from regions of the USA:

Hawaiian: Mahalo

Western Pennsylvania: Thank yuh/Thank yins! (plural)

Remember that it costs nothing to be respectful and polite. Everyone appreciates hearing “please” and “thank you” in their own language. Happy traveling!

Columbo

The impeachment hearings are like watching an episode of the 1970’s television series Columbo. You know who the bad guy is. You know what he did and how he did it. Now, you’re just watching to see if Lt. Columbo (Adam Schiff) can figure out how to prove it in his calm, soft-spoken, methodical way.

Sunday, November 17, 2019

Delusions Of Superiority

Have you noticed that white supremacists are among the least impressive white people that you’ve ever seen? What is it that makes them feel superior? These fools couldn’t earn a spot on an all-white croquet team.

Anyone who props up their lagging self-esteem with the convenient but patently ridiculous notion that their race, their religion, their country, their ethnicity, their political ideology, etc. is superior is broadcasting to the world that in their heart they feel like a pathetic failure. How much better it would be if they simply took stock of themselves and found a way to contribute something of value rather than blaming others for their feelings of inferiority?

Making a contribution is a far more effective way to climb out of the pit of self doubt than pretending to have a genetic superiority over people who look, think, or worship differently. A world of possibility opens up when individuals take responsibility for their own contribution instead of conveniently passing the blame for their failures onto others.

Strangers

There’s considerable difference

Between being a stranger

And being estranged

From someone you love

The silence

The distance

Are on the same scale

But there’s a nagging persistence

In dreams that have failed

Estrangement’s most tragic

For the soul

And the heart

The innocent victims

Of lives ripped apart

They mend ever slowly

Even with lots of care

For they know the full value

Of the sweetness

That’s no longer shared

Saturday, November 16, 2019

Stress Test

The doctor recommended a stress test. I said, “I’m already stressed. What do you want to know?”

Friday, November 15, 2019

Bad Form

She was so fat

And her pants were so tight

It looked like she had

A butt in the front

Thursday, November 14, 2019

One Sweet Night

That one sweet night

When all was right

You came by

To hold my hand

And dance with me

And I believed

Deep in my heart

That love could conquer all

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

November’s Frigid Revenge

When I moved from Pennsylvania to New Jersey years ago, I arrived at the beginning of summer. The hot, sunny weather was rarely interrupted, and the thick, engulfing humidity was unlike anything that I had ever experienced. I remember marveling at how intensely hot the interior of my car would become after baking for hours in the open parking lot of my office building.

Summer was followed by a pleasantly mild autumn. I continued to go out in shirtsleeves most evenings and felt perfectly comfortable without a sweater or jacket. I didn’t think twice when some colleagues proposed a trip to Atlantic City in the second week of November. Certainly, it wouldn’t be very cold by then.

Here’s a word of advice. You can have fun gambling at a casino, but don’t bet against Mother Nature.

The Arctic blast that’s engulfing North America this week reminds me of that fateful trip to the shore. Temperatures plummeted into the twenties Fahrenheit, while strong, near constant wind made it feel much colder. High rise buildings channeled that wind and accelerated it through open spaces, as though it weren’t harsh enough at its native speed. There were moments on the boardwalk where I found it difficult to breathe.

It was a rude awakening. Steamy, sultry New Jersey, the new home that had seemed blissfully tropical during the warmer months, had a harsh, bitter season to offset the warmth of summer, a season that made an impressive introduction during one particularly frigid excursion to the seashore. Mother Nature was holding all of the chips that weekend.

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Bizarre Moments From My Weekend Trip To See The Folks

Bizarre moments from my weekend trip to see the folks:

I noticed that Pittsburgh International Airport now has a Joe And The Juice coffee shop. It was closed when I arrived, but I made a point to stop by for a coffee before my return flight. When I returned to the shop, I heard someone say, “Nice to see you here!” The guy managing the shop at the airport was the manager of Joe And The Juice on Wall Street when I worked there. It’s a small world!

Diving into the town where my sister lives, I passed a hitchhiker, a sixty-something fellow with a gray beard who pantomimed a pathetic appeal for me to stop and pick him up. As I passed by, I watched in the mirror as he made the same gesture to the car behind me. About an hour later, I stopped by a local restaurant. Sitting at the counter having lunch was the hitchhiker.

Standing in a kitchen, I ate baby carrots out of the package as a huge pit bull watched me. “I’m eating carrots, dog! You don’t want carrots,” I said to my furry friend. I tossed him a piece of one of the carrots. To my surprise, he ate it. After that, I split my carrots with him, and he ate every bite.

When I had had my fill of carrots, I ate a couple of blueberry yogurts. The dog watched, so I left some yogurt in the bottom of each cup and put them on the floor. Pit bulls love carrots and blueberry yogurt. Who knew?

Saturday, November 9, 2019

Aging

I have reached the age where I no longer have to do something strenuous in order to injure myself. From time to time, I’ll wake up in the morning with some mysterious ache or pain that doesn’t seem to relate to any recent activity, as though I lost a jiujitsu match with the comforter in my sleep.

In the past few months, I was asked by a sales clerk if I qualified for a senior citizen discount - not yet, thank you! - and a young lady offered me her seat on the subway. The inevitable is approaching.

That said, I thank goodness that I am still in reasonably good health. Last evening, my heart went out to some poor old fellow who was bound to a wheelchair. He was talking to someone about the good old days when he graduated from high school - in 1984!

Wait... What? This guy was still in grade school when I graduated. That realization sent my head spinning.

Stay fit and healthy, my aging friends. Our vitality is the only thing keeping the inevitable at bay.

The Next Step

You might not be ready to reach your dreams, but you are ready to take the next step on the path that will take you there.

Thursday, November 7, 2019

Things That Bring You The Most Joy

I saw this on Instagram today: “List five things that bring you the most joy.”

At first, I thought that I would need time to come up with a list, but I started typing a response, and this is what came out.

1. Emotionally stirring entertainment

2. Exercise

3. Time spent with special people

4. Creating something beautiful or interesting

5. Overcoming a meaningful challenge

What brings YOU the most joy?

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Working Lunch

This is another one of those stories that sounds like I made it up, but I swear on a stack of thick, juicy hamburgers and sweet potato fries that it’s all true.

Starting at about noon today, I worked on a critical operation that kept me stuck at my desk for two hours. I couldn’t walk away. The building held a fire drill on my floor during this period - see, I told you it would sound as though I made it up - but I had to refuse to attend. I needed to stay at my desk and focus on what I was doing.

Shortly after this bit of uninterruptible work began, the young lady sitting next to me went to the pantry to heat up her lunch in the microwave. Instead of eating in the pantry area like a good corporate citizen, she instead chose to return to her desk and eat her lunch just a few feet away from me.

What did this thoughtful person have for lunch today. Some extremely smelly fish, rendered more pungent by the microwave process.

Keep in mind that I was stuck there. I could not walk away, even for a fire drill. I swear that she at that fish as slowly as possible just to bug the crap out of me.

Good grief, are manners completely lost on some people? I wanted to throw up, it smelled so bad. But I had to keep working. Thank you, fish lady, for turning my stomach with your outrageously selfish workplace conduct.

Chickpeas

I prepared a light dinner for myself the other night. By the time I got home from work and went for a run, it was nine-thirty. I didn’t want to eat a heavy meal at that hour.

There was some rice in the refrigerator. I served myself a plate of rice and opened a can of chickpeas to add some flavor. I heated this simple concoction in the microwave and enjoyed it as I caught up on the news.

The next morning, I was upset with myself when I realized that I had forgotten to refrigerate the left-over chickpeas. I had eaten about two-thirds of the can with my rice, but there was still a substantial amount of food in the open can. I was rushing to get to work, so I covered the can with plastic wrap and set it in the fridge. I thought about throwing them out, but I figured that I could make that decision later.

When I got home from work, my first impulse was to thrown the can of chickpeas in the trash. I wasn’t sure that they would be good after sitting out on the counter all night. But as I thought about it, I felt bad about wasting food. I got the can out of the fridge and out the peas on a plate with some the rice and some other vegetables. That was last night’s dinner; I haven’t experienced any digestive issues today, so I guess that the chickpeas were fine.

I know that this isn’t the most exciting story, but it’s a true story, and there’s something about it that I would like you to consider. All I am saying is give peas a chance.

Good News And Bad News In The Pantry

I have good news and bad news. When I arrived at the office this morning, I found a mousetrap in the pantry where I sometimes have my breakfast. The building staff must have left it out overnight - I have see traps out on weekend before - but apparently, no one remembered to take it away before business hours.

The good news is that that bait wasn’t taken. A smooth ball of peanut butter was sitting on the trap with no signs of having been nibbled. Mice love peanut butter. The fact that the trap was left undisturbed gives a measure of confidence that the place isn’t crawling with rodents.

New York Minute 166 - Accent

I swear that I don’t make these things up.

This morning, I rode on an elevator with two ladies who were having a conversation about how cold the weather is getting. One lady, who had a heavy New York accent, remarked:

“I nevuh know what to weauh! This moouning, I wooked the dooug in a sweatuh, and I was FREEZING!”

I absolutely promise you that I am not making this up.

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

New York Minute 165 - Beware Of Owner

Coming home from the grocery store the other night, I noticed a lady walking ahead of me with three small dogs. Each dog was pulling its leash to its maximum length, and they were all pulling in different directions, taking up the entire width of the sidewalk. Two people walking in the oncoming direction had to stop and wait for the lady and her dogs to walk past them. The lady made no attempt to pull her dogs back in order to let them pass. She seemed oblivious to the fact that her pack was blocking all foot traffic.

At one point, the lady pulled out her phone and started looking at it. I guess it didn’t make a big difference. She hadn’t been paying attention in the first place; now, she was completely oblivious to her surroundings.

A man with a larger dog approached from the other direction. I took a deep breath, dreading what was about to happen.

The small dogs started yapping loudly as they lunged at the larger dog, who barked back ferociously. Luckily, the man was exercising more vigilance than the clueless lady. At the first hint or trouble, he pulled his dog away from the cluster of smaller dogs. The dog was up on its hind legs, fighting against the control of the leash. The lady yelled and scolded her dogs crossly, as though they were to blame for her negligence.

The barking standoff went on for a while. I stood back and waited for the owners to work out a way to get past each other without spilling blood.

Friday, November 1, 2019

Do Your Best

Keep doing your best, and your best will get better.