South Of Someplace: October 2018

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

To Tell The Truth

Tell the Truth

And speak your mind

Even when

The Truth seems unkind

You could hide behind

A comforting lie

But you’ll be stuck with that lie

Until the End of Time

New York Minute 114 - Kitty Cat Ears

I stepped out for a coffee break this morning, and within twenty paces of leaving my office building, I passed four women wearing fuzzy kitty cat ears. They weren’t together; their costumes weren’t coordinated. They were all going in different directions. But, wow, those cat ear headbands are all the rage this Halloween!

New York Minute 113 - Near Miss

It was a crisp, clear Saturday afternoon in October. The weather was perfect for a run. It felt a little chilly when I first stepped out of my building, but once I got started, it was delightful. I felt strong and well-rested. My legs felt powerful, and I was full of energy.

I prefer to run on the street - I run in the space between the parked cars and the moving traffic - but I’ll retreat to the sidewalk without hesitation when traffic gets heavy. At one point, I turned a corner onto an avenue and saw a big wave of cars headed in my direction. A black SUV, the kind that’s popular with car service drivers, was standing in a parking space just ahead of me. I had to make a quick decision. I could take a chance and run between the SUV and the moving traffic, or I could switch to the sidewalk where I would be far less likely to be struck by a moving vehicle.

I decided to take the safe route and run on the sidewalk, but I did have concerns. I know from past runs that the concrete sidewalk is uneven on this block. I once twisted my ankle while making a similar defensive maneuver at this same location. I went up onto the sidewalk and continued to run while minding my footing carefully.

It was one of those moments where everything goes wrong despite the fact that I had decided upon the “safe” option of running on the sidewalk. The black SUV was indeed a car service vehicle. A passenger, a lady around my age, had emerged from the passenger door and walked around the back of the SUV where I couldn’t see her. She stepped out from behind the vehicle and up onto the sidewalk about half an arm’s length in front of me. Suddenly, she was RIGHT THERE. A crash was imminent. It was physically impossible for me to stop that quickly. She wasn’t looking and had no idea that a running, 90kg man was about to plow into her.

The only option the came to mind was to twist my body in an effort to glide past just in front of her. This tactic was relatively successful. My cheekbone grazed her forehead, but that was the only impact. The downside was that the torque rendered me unstable. After gliding past the lady, I fell flat onto my back on the sidewalk. Luckily, it was an exceptionally clean fall. I kept my head tucked, so it didn’t hit the concrete. I wasn’t hurt at all.

“Are you okay?” asked the shocked lady. I was relieved to see that she was unharmed and still standing.

“Are YOU okay?” I asked with genuine concern.

“Yes, but you fell.”

“I am completely okay,” I assured her. “I’m so glad that you weren’t hurt.”

“My God! Did you see that?” she asked of a man who was walking on the sidewalk. I was getting back to my feet at this point.

“Yeah!”

I put my hand gently on her shoulder. “I’m so glad that you’re okay.” I turned and started running, hoping to leave the whole incident behind me.

I’m pretty proud of my impromptu stunt, a last ditch effort to save a fellow pedestrian from injury. It could have been so much worse.

No more running on the sidewalk for me. It’s too dangerous.

Fear

Is the most destructive of all human emotions

Diminishing and degrading

Perniciously intimidating

It prevents us from giving

Our best

And living

With the joy and fulfillment

That we were meant

To experience

Fear

Destroys dreams

By discouraging those

Who dare to think big

Convincing them sadly

To fall back and give up

Before they’ve even started

Or long before they’ve taken those dreams

To the point of fruition

This is fear’s mission

To inspire concern

That we’re not good enough

That we’ll face ridicule

If we continue

To move forward

Fear

Puts a strain on love

And the heart

It damages relationships

By raising suspicions

Where no doubt is warranted

Fear poisons love

By turning the power of the heart

Into a weapon

In a bitter and adversarial struggle

Between two souls

Who once loved one another

Without reservation

Fear

Is the silent, deadly toxin

That turns neighbor against neighbor

Community against community

By fostering mistrust

Impeding communication

And tempting normally peaceful people

To believe

That those who are unfamiliar

Might possibly pose

A grave and unbearable threat

To our well-being

Fear

Is the worst of all human emotions

Degrading and diminishing

Malignant and confusing

It robs us of our higher values

Our better angels

Of patience and Peace

Altruism and Understanding

Persistently working

To reduce our good nature

To a primal, brutish

Version of ourselves

Fear

Is destructive

And aggressively disruptive

Because we will let it control us

Take hold of us

Diminish us

Discourage us

And finish us

But it does not

Have to be that way

We can stand up to fear

Anytime

Anywhere

And regain control

Of our lives

For the better

And live with the joy and fulfillment

That each of us can experience

When we refuse to let fear

Get the best of us

That’s it

That is all

Refuse

Just refuse

Refuse to let fear

Determine your moods

And drive your heart toward darkness

Harness instead

The warm glow of courage

The comforting assurance

That you are in control

And fear

Can do you

No more harm

When you push it away

Sweep it far, far away

And keep it away

From your heart

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

End The Inflammatory Political Rhetoric

It is time to put an end to inflammatory political rhetoric in the United States. Forget about toning down the public discourse; it’s too late for that. Divisive, inciteful speech must stop completely.

There must be no more demonization of immigrants.

No demonization of religious minorities.

No more racist dog whistles.

No more unfounded conspiracy theories.

No more calls for the imprisonment of political rivals.

This is the United States of America. We are supposed to set an example for the world, and example of inclusiveness and tolerance, of community and coooeration, of human rights and the peaceful transition of political power.

But we are failing. We are sinking into a new dark age of angry tribalism. Politicians no longer work for the common good of all American citizens. They work for the advancement of the interests of the party. If they fail to do this, voters and donors turn on them, sometimes in destructive ways.

More troubling, We The People are turning on each other. The country is deeply divided, and that division seems unreconcilable. Inciteful rhetoric does more than betray our constitutional values. It erodes the fabric of a secure society and presents a real and present danger for every citizen of the nation.

Look at the tragic events of the past week and half. Numerous acts of deadly domestic terrorism have been perpetuated.

A White supremacist killed two people of color in a grocery store after being barred from entering a Black church.

An enthusiastic supporter of the current administration mailed fifteen pipe bombs to the president’s critics, people that he routinely demonizes at political rallies, on twitter, and during press conferences.

Another person committed mass murder at a synagogue on the Jewish Sabbath. He believed that a Jewish charity was helping a “caravan” of migrants from Central America. The president and his supporters in the media routinely demonize the migrants as a ploy to drum up support from their anti-immigration base.

So, this is where we are in the autumn of 2018. American citizens are being targeted and killed by people who have been whipped into a nationalist/racist frenzy by the administration that was given the responsibility to lead our country and protect our values. Consider that carefully.

I understand that many people in this country, peaceful, productive, hard-working citizens, supported this president initially in hopes of bringing about a rebound of economic prosperity. They were willing to tolerate his harsh rhetoric and forgive the rough edges of his personality in order to support his bold economic and social agendas. That was understandable two year ago, but looking the other way is no longer an acceptable compromise. Our neighbors are dying. This administration has willfully chosen to appeal to the worst human impulses in order to drum up and maintain political support, and the anger has turned deadly. This is unacceptable.

America is supposed to represent “liberty and justice for all.”

Not for all except the Jews.

Not for all except people of color.

Not for all except Democrats.

Not for all except Muslims.

For everyone.

We need to do better at a nation. Change is needed immediately, and it needs to start at the top.

Saturday, October 27, 2018

25 Things That Your Man Isn’t Telling You

1. He wants you to be happy.

2. When you’re smiling, he assumes that everything is okay.

3. If something is bothering you, he would like you to tell him, clearly and calmly.

4. He is willing to talk, help, even change, but he needs to understand the issue.

5. He hates it when you expect him to know what’s wrong without saying anything.

6. He worries more than you know, about work, money, parents, the future.

7. He worries about losing you. He worries about the men in your life.

8. He doesn’t mention his concerns, because he was taught to “tough it out” no matter what happens.

9. He conflates vulnerability with weakness.

10. He is not going to show weakness. Ever.

11. Like everyone else on the planet, he is insecure.

12. He wants you to be proud of him.

13. If you don’t openly express admiration for his career, his skills, or accomplishments, he feels like a failure.

14. When you make disparaging comments, even as a joke, it diminishes his feelings of self worth.

15. When another woman expresses admiration, he feels elated.

16. He works best when he can concentrate on one thing at a time.

17. He finds interruptions aggravating.

18. If you have to interrupt him, and it’s not an emergency, do it gently and give him a moment to switch his focus over to your concerns.

19. This context switch is harder for men. He appreciates your patience.

20. When you need his help, ask in the form of a favor.

21. Tell him how happy you will be when he completes your request. Exaggerate a little.

22. He wants be your champion. Give him opportunities to do so.

23. He doesn’t want to be the only one who initiates sex.

24. He’s thrilled when you start things in the bedroom.

25. But on some nights, he just wants to go to sleep.

Friday, October 26, 2018

25 Things That Your Woman Isn’t Telling You

1. She’s tired.

2. She’s sore.

3. She’s cold. Or she’s too hot. It’s one or the other.

4. She’s hungry. Or she’s stuffed. It’s one or the other.

5. She’s under a lot of pressure.

6. She’s smiling now in spite of 1-5.

7. She’s tired of smiling when she doesn’t want to.

8. She never forgave you for that thing that you thought wasn’t a big deal.

9. By the way, your apology was pathetic.

10. She wishes that you would offer a more heartfelt apology, but she has resigned herself to the fact that you never will.

11. She was hurt before she met you, and she hasn’t gotten over that, either.

12. No, she doesn’t want to talk about it. Not with you.

13. She has more friends than you do.

14. Those friends pick her up when she’s struggling. She trusts them with her life.

15. She wishes that you were a better listener.

16. She knows a guy who’s a good listener.

17. She tells him things that she is afraid to say to you.

18. When she feels jealous, there’s a good reason.

19. Just because you haven’t noticed the reason doesn’t mean that it’s not there.

20. Every day, she hopes that you will support her instead of arguing or diminishing the problem.

21. Arguments (about anything) make her feel miserable.

22. When she argues with you, she believes that it is her last resort.

23. She wishes that you would do more to help her.

24. She doesn’t want to have to ask for that help.

25. She loves you anyway, but you really shouldn’t push your luck.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Dating Nerds

I’ll admit it, I’ve always been a nerd. I dated nerdy women in college. There was Theta, the math major. She was angling to go out with me for a while; one day, I asked about her sine. Once we started dating, she had one constant demand: prove our congruence. I postulated that some things couldn’t be proven, that there are too many independent variables. She became negative. I sensed that we were approaching a limit. She had always been rather calculating, and the relationship diverged exponentially.

Then there was the electrical engineer, Milli Amp. She was a live wire. She knew how to light up a room. The sparks flew when we were together, but I didn’t have the capacity for her resistance. There were also some AC/DC issues that I couldn’t rectify. I had to insulate myself until she was no longer current.

Next, I dated Joule, the physics major. I liked Joule. Everything about her was elegant and clearly defined. Our relationship stayed on a nice trajectory as long as I didn’t attempt to estimate her mass. Unfortunately, Joule didn’t really love me. One night, she ran off with Kelvin. He made an exaggerated comment about oscillatory motion that unfortunately really resonated with her. I thought that she would be repulsed - they were polar opposites - but their magnetism was strong, and she quickly fell out of my orbit.

They were on quite a vector, those two! Their integration had no bounds. I asked her later what the differential was. She said that she considered me a first-order guy, steady and constant. But Kelvin had a higher power that made him more unpredictable. Everything accelerated when he was with her, and their actions produced a lot of heat.

I was in free fall. I had to accept the gravity of the situation. In this universe, even love is subject to entropy. It starts out with great momentum, but unless you’re willing to work and apply force, it loses energy. The darkness seemed infinite until that evening when I found myself in a pub talking to a cute chemistry major from Brazil. Her name was Giselle Bunsen. We bonded over blends of organic compounds until we were no longer able to operate an internal combustion vehicle safely. Luckily, her place was within walking distance. Luckier still, her couch was just steps away from a functioning hydrodynamic waste disposal unit.

Creed

Have the confidence to expect good things.

Have the audacity to ask for what you want.

Have the grace to be open to the unexpected.

Have the strength to live joyfully, regardless what you receive.

Have the capacity to turn disappointments into blessings.

Have the generosity to bring joy to the lives of others.

Have the humility to be grateful.

Have the integrity to be fair.

Have the courage to share and inspire.

Have the commitment to rise to the challenges of love.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

The Most Powerful Office In The World

The office of the President of the United States holds great power and responsibility. The person holding that office has the opportunity to inspire and lead not only a powerful nation, but the entire world.

When the person in that office chooses, instead of leading and inspiring, to aggravate the tensions of partisan rivalry, to stoke the flames of racism and xenophobia, to promote fear and animosity, and to demonized political opponents, the consequences have the potential to be horrifying.

The person holding that office today has repeatedly and publicly branded a former political rival as “crooked” and suggested that she belongs in prison. Today, that rival received a package of dangerous materials at her home.

The person holding that office has repeatedly and publicly criticized a former president, suggesting among other things, that he was not born in this country, and was therefore ineligible to hold the office. Today, that former president received a package of dangerous materials at his home, as did his former attorney general.

The person holding that office has repeatedly and publicly criticized a respected Congresswoman as having “low intelligence.” Today, that Congresswoman receive a dangerous package at her office.

The person holding that office has repeatedly and publicly labeled the media as “the enemy of the people.” Today, a prominent news agency received a dangerous package at their New York offices.

The person holding that office has repeatedly and publicly promoted unfounded conspiracy theories about a billionaire philanthropist. Earlier this week, a dangerous package was found near that philanthropist’s home.

Actions have consequences.

Words have consequences.

The words and actions of the person occupying the most power office in the world have consequences of incalculable enormity and grave seriousness.

That person needs to do better.

Saturday, October 20, 2018

Dark House

Your life
Is like a dark, shuttered house
Shrouded in shadows

And mysteries
I picture it now

On an ominous street

Of twisted, old trees
In an unfamiliar part of town

I don’t know

What I would find inside

If I stopped by

To say Hi
I don’t know what might greet me

A viscous dog
Ready to bite
An angry man with a gun
The ambivalent scorn
Of judgmental friends
Or the troubles
You couldn’t outrun

I’m sorry

Old friend
But I’m finding it hard

To summon the courage

To call again
I don’t want to drive

Through that neighborhood
With no invitation

In hand

Friday, October 19, 2018

What’s In A Name Change?

I realize that there are bigger problems in life, but it would really bother me to be stuck wtih someone else’s name after a divorce or if I were estranged from that person for negative reasons. I would not like that at all.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

If I Were Hit By A Bus

Your life wouldn’t change

If I were hit by a bus

What happened to us?

New York Minute 112 - Neighborhood Doorman

Doormen, like bouncers, are suspicious of passers by. Their fundamental function is to let residents enter while keeping everyone else out.

There are a number of buildings with doormen on my block. These guys see me walk past all the time, day and night, yet they never say anything of acknowledge me as a regular in the neighborhood.

But there is one exception. One night after a run, I walked to the end of the block to catch my breath. The three to eleven guy from a neighboring building was standing on the sidewalk. “I saw you running!” he said.

“Yeah. I’m trying to keep in shape.”

He probably saw me going past repeatedly that night, as I had been doing laps around the block. I enjoy running around the block. It sounds tedious, but it’s appealing, because I never have to wait for a traffic light.

Anyway, we chatted for a few minutes that evening, this doorman from down the block and I. Whenever he saw me running during his shift, he would step out and say hello; sometimes we would chat about life and work and family and exercise.

Eventually, he moved to the morning shift. I see him now when I’m on my way to work, but he’s usually with one or two of his colleagues, so we don’t get into long conversations anymore. Those guys stand there stone faced and pretend not to know me in typical New York doorman style.

The other morning, I was running a little late. When I passed the guy’s building, he was standing alone for a change. We talked about the changing weather and his summer vacation travels with his family. It was nice to catch up again, and I felt badly that I had to hurry off. Those precious moments of human connection make such a big difference in our lives. The people that you know, and know that you can talk to and count on, make life in a big and typically anonymous city livable.

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

New York Minute 111 - Unleashed

If you want to see something interesting, walk through New York’s Penn Station. You can always count on something memorable happening there.

When I arrived last evening after returning from a dinner with out of town friends, I passed a young man standing near the New Jersey Transit ticket counter with a black pit bull on a leash. They looked as though they were waiting for someone.

I decided to stop by the men’s room before catching the subway. I heard a dog barking while I was in the restroom. I wasn’t sure if it was the same dog, but it sounded quite agitated. Someone made a comment: “Wow! That dog is really barking.”

I washed my hands and walked out of the restroom. Just as I stepped back out into the public area, the dog raced past my left leg. He must have slipped his collar or broken the leash. He came so close, I thought that he was going to bite me, but he dashed right past and ran through a corridor that leads to the NJ Transit passenger waiting area. The now panicked owner yelled “holy shit!” as he ran after his emancipated pooch.

New York Minute 110 - Girls’ Night Out

On a crisp October Friday, four attractive young ladies strode along Park Avenue in high heels, high skirts, and cute jackets on their way to an evening of fun. An expensive car drove past with music blaring from its open windows. Two of the women recognized the song and began to sing along with beautiful voices as they continued their walk. My heart was touched by this impromptu outburst of song. I’ll cherish the moment forever.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

The Demands Of Unselfish Love

Love has no price
It’s bound by no
Terms or conditions

Love asks no ransom
It comes with no
List of demands

Love has no currency
It cannot be bartered
Or traded

Love keeps no score
No tally of points
Fouls
Wins or losses

There is no give and take
In love
No balance sheet
No drive to compete
No “I won’t do this
‘cause you didn’t do that”
No “I’ll do for you
but you have to do, too”

Sure
We feel disappointment
Sometimes
When expectations are missed
But we endure
And stay on
To love more
Day and night
To make all things right
With a hug
And a kiss
Resolve our differences
And leave small concerns
Dismissed

Love’s an expression
A joyful obsession
A heartfelt confession
Of deepest connection
A gift that is given
Fully and freely
With no expiration
And no expectation
That it must be earned
Or returned

Love makes no demands
Of control
Or possession
No unhealthy yearning
For steadfast protection
From the highs
And lows
Of life

Love flows naturally
Gracefully
Effortlessly
Buoyed by the strength
Of the heart
Of the person
Devoted to do its giving

Love shines warmly
Steadily
Surely
Conveyed through a touch
Or a glance
That inspires
And deepens
Our purest desire for living

But I’ll admit
There are times
When I don’t have the strength
To live up to this
Lofty ideal

I am only
A human being
And my limitations are real

This does not
Necessarily reflect
The desires of my heart
And soul

It’s an open honest assessment
Of the capacity
Of the flesh
To continuously fulfill
The demands
Of unselfish love

A love that endures
Is not always sure
About
Where it’s going
Or how it will get there
Or whether it will actually make it

Often
We just have to
Put our heads down
Cast aside doubt
And do our best
To hold on to love
To fight in its trenches
Tooth and nail
Hand to hand
Body and soul
And ride out the waves
The tumultuous storm
The thunder that blows in
Without advanced warning
Between two
Passionate hearts
Struggling
To make their way
Lovingly
Respectfully
Supportively
Through the hazards
Of imperfect life

Walking The Real New York City

Last evening, I enjoyed a nice dinner with a friend from out of town. As I walked him back to where he was staying, we passed, in order of appearance -

- a huge pile of garbage bags in front of a grocery store

- blocks and blocks of scaffolding

- a homeless man sleeping in a doorway

- a roach running across the sidewalk in front of us

- a ranting lunatic (he walked past us in the opposite direction)

- a same sex couple walking hand in hand (no negative implied, just something that he doesn’t see often at home)

- a screaming siren

- a middle-aged man riding a brightly-lit motorized scooter

- a rat

It’s always an honor to show out of town guests the real New York City.

Monday, October 15, 2018

Maturity

Maturity - The perspective to realize that at any given time, seventy percent of your life will be in chaos while you struggle to get the other thirty percent under control.

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Respect And Appreciation

Human beings thrive on respect and appreciation. In order to develop and maintain healthy relationships, it’s important to express, actively and regularly, your respect and appreciation for the important people in your life, including -

- your significant other

- your children

- your parents

- your extended family

- your friends

- your partners in various ventures

- people with whom you socialize (at school or church, for instance)

- your clients

- your colleagues

- your investors

- your business partners

Do not leave this to chance. Never assume that these important people know how you feel about them, how deeply you appreciate their role in your life. If they are not hearing it and seeing it demonstrated regularly, they will begin to question whether you still appreciate them, and your relationships will suffer.

Friday, October 12, 2018

New York Minute 109 - Connected

Elevators in many office buildings now have video screens that display news headlines, weather and sports updates, and random factoids. The world is approaching a ‘1984’ state where every space is equipped with cameras and telescreens, but I digress.

As I rode down to the lobby of my office building a couple of days ago, the elevator screen cited a Pew Research Center study on internet usage. The study found that 39 percent of 18-29 year olds are online ‘almost constantly’, and that four out of five of them maintain this connection via wireless devices.

As I was reading this, the elevator stopped on a lower floor. The doors opened, and a twenty-something guy stepped into the car wearing Apple ear pods. The guy never looked up from his mobile phone. Maybe 39 percent is too low.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

New York Minute 108 - Baby On Board

As I was riding the subway home from the office on Tuesday evening, a woman sitting near me was feeding a baby with a bottle. It was about 8:30, so it wasn’t too late, but here’s the surprising thing - the baby was no more than two weeks old. It was practically a newborn.

I thought that it was common practice to keep small babies isolated so they’re not exposed to illness-causing agents like viruses and bacteria. I don’t think that I have ever seen on newborn on the subway, of all places. Subway cars are filthy. It was also quite chilly on the car. After the woman, who seemed rather old to be a new mother, finished feeding the baby, she wrapped it in a very thin cloth. That poor baby must have been freezing.

The whole situation was unsettling.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Love Is The Most Important Thing In The World

I used to believe that love was the most important thing in the world, but I realize now that love has no inherent value. It is meaningless unless it is desired and appreciated.

To someone who doesn’t want your love, or doesn’t desire it any longer, it is the most useless junk in the universe. One day, your love may be the feast that fills someone’s soul. By the next morning, it can repulse them like a pile of stinking rubbish. We have absolutely no control over that transition, and once it happens, there’s no way to reverse it.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

My Sexual Assault Story

My sexual assault story is extremely mild. It seems insignificant compared to what most victims go through. I was not harmed. I was never in danger of being harmed. I was not alone with my attacker; the incident happened in a public place with many other people in the immediate proximity. Yet, I believe that aspects of the incident are illustrative, especially with regard to the victim’s perspective of the attack, the aftermath, and how the events are remembered. I have decided to share my story in hopes promoting understanding.

I was flying back home from the West Coast on an overnight flight. It was a full flight; there were no open seats. The cabin was dark and quiet; most of the passengers were sleeping or quietly trying to sleep.

I was in a window seat on the right side of the cabin. The plane had a 3x3 seating configuration in coach, so my seat would have been Seat F in my row. I was closer to the back of the aircraft than the front, but not in one of the last few rows.

I was in a deep sleep when I notice an uncomfortable pinching and rubbing sensation in a sensitive and private part of my body. At first, I didn’t know what I was feeling. But within a few seconds of becoming aware of the sensation, I realized that the passenger beside me (seated to my left) was groping me.

My reaction was instantaneous. I let out a shout as I lurched back in my seat and threw my arms up violently as though I were defending myself from some animal attacking from above. The movement of my left arm knocked the attackers hand and arm away from my body. He immediately, and smoothly, pivoted to his left, effectively turning his back to me. He pretended to be sleeping, but given the sudden force and sound of my reaction, I’m fairly certain that he was pretending to be asleep in order to cover his guilt.

There I sat, wide awake, feeling shocked and intensely angry. I seemed hard to believe that this had just happened given that I am male, an adult, and the plane was full of passengers. But it happened. I still felt sore from the pinching.

I had to decide what to do. My first thought was to push the call button and summon one of the flight attendants, but two problems immediately came to mind. The plane was full of sleeping passengers. I didn’t feel right about causing a commotion and disturbing everyone’s sleep. Secondly, there was no evidence that this incident had occurred. It would have been my word against the attackers. I didn’t think that anyone would believe me.

Next, I considered the option of direction confrontation, but once again, I was concerned about making a scene. I could have tapped the guy on the shoulder and punched him in the face, but that would almost certainly lead to my arrest and having felony charges filed against me. That didn’t seem worth it. I couldn’t argue that I was acting in self-defense, because I wasn’t in danger.

I decided to wait until the end of the flight. I considered talking to the crew on the way out of the plane, but that seemed futile. There was no evidence that a crime was committed. It was my word against his. My anger was now mixed with frustration and a gnawing sense of hopelessness. Something disgusting had happened to me, and I could see no viable path to resolution. To add insult to injury, I was still sitting beside my attacker, and I couldn’t change seats.

Selective Memory

During the Kavanaugh confirmation hearings, people questioned the accuracy of the victim’s account, because she could not remember particular details, e.g. the house number. I’ll share with you now what I remember from the incident and what I don’t. I feel that this is illustrative, but you can draw your own conclusions.

What I Remember

He was in his twenties, tall, slender, and clean cut. He had thick, dark brown hair and a pasty fair complexion. His clothes were nice but not outrageously trendy, dark pants and a dark, long-sleeved shirt or a thin sweater. I would guess from his appearance that he was educated and had a white collar job. He didn’t have the rugged or tanned look of an outdoorsman or a manual laborer, and he didn’t look artsy. If you saw him on the street, you would consider him to be handsome and you would probably trust him. He looked like the kind of person who would help an old lady across the street.

We didn’t talk. I’m not chatty with neighbors on planes, and on red eye flights, conversations are not encouraged. Everyone settles in and tries to get as much sleep as they can. I never saw his face from the front; I remember only his profile.

I remember the dark cabin and how quiet it was with everyone sleeping. No one within my line of site was reading, watching a movie, or working on a laptop. I remember the whirring of the jet engines and the steady shuddering of the aircraft. It was a smooth flight. I don’t recall any turbulence at all.

I remember the anger, the disgust, the rage, the shock that someone could do something so brazenly inappropriate. I remember sitting up, the only person on the whole flight who didn’t appear to be asleep (except for my faking attacker). I remember weighing my options and feeling increasingly frustrated that the creep was going to get away with it.

I remember waiting to deplane. I didn’t look at him, and he didn’t look at me. We just sat there as though it never happened. I remember trying to decide in those final minutes whether to mention the incident to the cabin crew and deciding in the end that it probably wouldn’t do any good.

What I Don’t Remember

I don’t remember the flight number.

I don’t remember the airline.

I don’t remember the airport from which the flight had departed. It was either SFO, LAX, or LAS, as those are the places that I visit most frequently on the west coast. I’m leaning toward San Francisco, but I can’t be sure.

I don’t remember the destination airport. At the time, I was living in New Jersey and typically flew into Newark (EWR), but I am not absolutely certain that Newark was my destination that day. It could have been JFK. I know that I was planning to go directly to work after landing, but I don’t recall where my office was at the time.

I don’t remember the year or month of the flight. It would have been between 2005 and 2012, but I can’t narrow it down.

I can’t remember the name or location of the hotel that I stayed in before boarding the flight or whether I had anything to eat at the airport.

Summary

Clearly, there are many details about the trip that I don’t recall. I don’t remember them because they weren’t unusual. Being groped by someone while sleeping on an airliner was the unusual part, and that is what I remember clearly, the act and my reaction to it, and the description of the perpetrator. Those are details that you never forget. They stay with you forever.

Christine Blasey Ford knows who attacked her. Anyone who claims that she was confused was making excuses for a man who committed a sexual assault that was far worse than the one that I experience. I remember my incident clearly, and she remembers hers.

Sunday, October 7, 2018

The Kavanaugh Confirmation

Let’s recap. A president who has been accused of sexual assault by nineteen women, who slept with models and porn stars while he was married and subsequently paid for their silence, who is under investigation by multiple law enforcement agencies and has been named as a co-conspirator in multiple felony charges, and who once bragged on television about getting away with sexual assault because he was famous, nominated a man with a documented history of being a belligerent drunk and who is facing credible allegations of sexual assault - and who, oddly enough, once helped to prosecute another sitting president for consensual sex - for a lifetime appointment to the most powerful court in the country. Republicans then ignored and rewrote the rules of the Senate in order to have this man confirmed despite the fact that the Bar Association, thousands of legal scholars, and one retired Supreme Court justice publicly denounced the man as being unfit for the position, and despite the fact that the man angrily and vengefully lashed out at “the Left” during his confirmation hearings. This is the United States of America in 2018, folks, and it isn’t pretty.

Malevolent Artificial Intelligence

I no longer worry about Malevolent Artificial Intelligence. The real threat is Unprincipled Natural Ignorance.

Friday, October 5, 2018

We Are Not What We Say

We are not what we say, we are what we do. Through our actions, we reveal our true character, our inner selves, the sum total of our fears, our values, our hopes, our prejudices, and our most puzzling idiosyncrasies. Through action, we build our legacy. It is through those actions that we should and will be judged, for words, while convenient, are often as fickle as the promise of a pleasant day.

Thursday, October 4, 2018

The Ugly Truth About Partisan Politics

If you want Brett Kavanaugh to be on the Supreme Court so badly that you are willing to pretend that sexual assault is not disqualifying, then you know exactly how Brett Kavanaugh felt that night when he wanted to have sex with a fifteen year old girl so badly that he was willing pretend that her consent was not required.

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Understanding What Women Go Through

I once went to a friend’s Halloween party dressed as a woman. The costume was pretty convincing. I shaved my legs and had someone apply makeup. I put on a blond wig, a blue dress, and a pair ladies’ velvet gloves that extended nearly up to the elbow. The gloves helped to obscure the masculine appearance of my arms and hands. I even wore five-inch heels. I had to practice walking in the shoes for two weeks to get ready for the event.

I drove to the party in a car with three women - three actual women, not fakes like me. On the way home, our car was pursued by a bunch of young men in a large four-wheel-drive pickup truck. They thought that they had spotted a car full of women, so they decided to be playful in their own weird and desperate way. They tailgated us for a couple of miles and flashed their lights in an effort to try to get us to pull over. When I refused to stop, the pickup truck shot past us. As they passed, the two idiots in the back of the truck dropped their pants and shot the moon in our direction. Just what I wanted to see, a couple of hairy-assed morons!

Let this fact sink in for a moment. The one and only time that I went out in the world looking like a woman, I got harassed by men. My female alter ego has a one-hundred percent harassment rate. That’s how prevalent this problem is. And that is why we need to BELIEVE women when they say that they have dealt with unwanted advances. Because if it can happen to ME while driving around in a Dodge Dart wearing mascara and a cheap wig, imagine what kind of attention they have to put up with.

Process

When did the word “process” become associated with recovery from emotional trauma? In the past few years, I have heard statements such the following.

“How is Ed processing his job loss?”

“How is Jill processing the separation?”

I find this usage confusing. The word process makes recovery from emotional stress sound orderly, as though on any given day, all we are expected to do is turn to Page 37 the Healing Handbook and perform some neatly summarized coping exercise.

Grief and anguish are not likely to be mitigated by some orderly, pre-defined process. A significant loss throws our lives into chaos. We are traumatized. Basic survival instincts dominate our reactions. We have to apply the emotional equivalent of stopping the bleeding.

I was thinking back to how I might have answered someone if they had asked me decades ago how I was processing my divorce. I don’t recall a process; I did my best each day to endure a difficult situation.

I slept on a couch for three months, because I couldn’t tolerate the loneliness of lying in a bed by myself. I felt like a failure. I had disappointed everyone. I threw myself into my work, because the more time I spent focusing on tasks, the less time I had to spend feeling miserable about my life. I fell into an ill-advised relationship with someone who was struggling with her own problems. When you feel worthless and unlovable, the one person who identifies with your pain seems like the most important person in the world. The smile of a compassionate friend came a welcome refuge from an endless storm of angst and self doubt.

It was not a process; it was chaos. It was like a winter that lasted for years on end. There was no process, only gradual, haphazard healing. Like a fractured bone or lacerated tissue, a broken heart never heals completely.

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Gravity

I feel you today

Pulling down on me

Weighing ever heavily

Like a smelly, dirty grizzly bear

With massive claws

Pressed on my chest

Pinning me down

Keeping me grounded

Struggling

Stranded

A steady, strong reminder

Of who I am

And where I’m weak

And what will never be

In this unyielding universe

None of us live free