Unfortunately, there are barriers to open discussion. First of all, no one enjoys remembering a painful experience. Victims require sensitivity and understanding. They need to feel supported. But this isn't always the case.
The person reporting inappropriate sexual contact may be pressed to answer insensitive questions.
- Are you sure that this really happened?
- Why did you put yourself in that position?
- Why didn't you do anything about it?
- Did you do anything to encourage their advances?
- Why did you wait so long to say something?
I wanted to offer my perspective on this because, believe it or not, I once experienced a groping incident. Yes, I am a guy. Yes, I'm six-foot one in bare feet. And yet, this really did happen.
I was on a plane, an overnight "red eye" flight from San Francisco to Newark. I had a window seat on the right side of the aircraft. This is my preference for long flights; I like to lean against the side of the cabin for extra support while sleeping.
To my left, in the middle seat of a three-seat side, was a clean cut, twenty-something guy looked like he'd graduated from a fancy college. He didn't seem strange in any way. No alarm bells went off as he quietly took his seat. We didn't chat or make eye contact.
It started out as your typical red-eye flight. Soon after we departed, the cabin lights were dimmed, and everyone settled in for a couple of hours of rest. I fell asleep fairly quickly. It was a deep sleep. I didn't hear the engines or the shuddering of the plane.
Some time later, I'm not sure how long, I felt a tickling sensation near my left nipple. It took my sleeping brain a few seconds to figure out that something was wrong. When I realized what was happening, I lurched my body upward and threw my arms toward the ceiling. It was the kind of reaction that you might have if you noticed a big spider crawling up your arm.
The guy, who had curled up into a fetal position directly facing me, had been massaging my left pectoral area with his hand. He didn't just touch my chest; he was actively squeezing it.
When I had my violent physical reaction - during which I shouted something like "what the fuck?" - the guy instantly turned his body to face away from me and faced the person in the aisle seat.
To this day, I do not know whether the guy was actually sleeping and did all of this as part of some perverted dream, or whether he pretended to be asleep to hide his guilt. Believe me. I've thought about this many times since.
Okay, so, this was weird, granted, but it wasn't serious as an assault on a woman. Let's be clear on that. Consider that:
- I was never in danger. There was no possibility of escalation.
- I could have punched the crap out of that little twerp, if I didn't have concerns about serving time for felony assault.
- And for that matter, I don't even have boobs - just skin and muscle.
This would have been far worse and much more terrifying if it had happened to a woman. Let's keep that in perspective.
But let's face it. This incident shocking, and that's why I would like to talk about. I would like to describe the moment when you are trying to decide what to do next while figuring out what just happened to you. Because that is a strange and confusing place to find yourself.
First, you're shocked. It's like being in a car accident. Your mind races to try to make sense of the situation. "What just happened? Is this real? How did this happen?"
Inappropriate contact invites additional questions. "Why would anyone do this?" "Are people really that weird?" "Why me?"
Next, you're faced with confusion. Your mind searches for the appropriate response. What should you do? I considered several options.
I thought about confronting the guy. But what if he really had been sleeping and he wasn't aware of what he had done? If he had just been feigning sleep, how could I prove it?
I new that I couldn't change to a different seat, because it was a full flight.
I considered calling the flight attendant, but I didn't want to create a scene in an aircraft full of sleeping people. Besides, I had no evidence that anything had happened. There was no video. You can't get fingerprints from shirt. For all of these reasons, a complaint with the airline would also have been pointless. The pervert next door had just gotten away with the perfect crime.
And of course, being a guy, I briefly considered a physical altercation. But that could have resulted in serious legal consequences, and it would have only made an icky situation worse. I didn't want to be associate with this sleaze bag during a length legal process.
And so, other than the initial, violent reaction that I used to interrupt the groper, I didn't do anything. I weighed my options and chose that doing nothing was the best way to handle the situation. I pulled up my blanket, tucked it in tightly like a force field, turned my back to Mr. Sleazy, and tried to get some much needed sleep. There were no further incidents.
Did you get that last point? I did nothing, because doing nothing was my best alternative. Unfortunately, for victims of real sexual assault - not my watered-down sleeping perverted frat boy version - doing nothing might seem like the best course of action for them, as well. "Don't make waves." "No one would believe me." "I'll just deal with it."
I would ask everyone please to have empathy for victims of sexual assault. It's easy to question someone who has been through a difficult situation when you haven't walked in their shoes. There are no easy choices in these circumstances. If you're going to accuse something of a serious crime but you have no evidence that a crime was committed, who is going to believe you? So you decide that it's easier to say nothing.
Abusers are often serial offenders. If, one day, you hear of a pattern of attacks that were similar to your own, you might decide to share your story. Just be prepared for the inevitable question: "Why didn't you come forward sooner?" Because you know it's coming.
Copyright © 2016 Daniel R. South
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