Special Birthday Memories

This was supposed to be your birthday. Your mom’s second doctor - the first one left town suddenly without explanation - determined that you were three weeks late and decided to induce labor. I thought you were right on time, but I deferred to the experts.

We drove to the hospital calmly and prepared for the procedure, but your mom went into labor on her own. We were optimistic that everything would flow naturally, but the contractions were weak. Your grandma and I slept on chairs as we waited.

In the morning, the doctor decided to proceed with induced labor, but it didn’t go well. Your mom was in a lot of pain. She wasn’t dilating. They rushed her into surgery. I sat beside her.

It’s a miracle that you both survived. You were blue when they pulled you out of her incised belly. The nurses rushed you over to a table. You didn’t cry right away, and no one said a word. Your mom got very upset fearing the worst. “Is he alright?” She stated to shake. The doctor gave have her a sedative.

“Everything’s fine,” one of the young nurses said finally. “Thank God!” you mom exclaimed just before she fell asleep.

They guided me out of the operating room. The obstetrician went outside for a cigarette, and somehow, I ended up out there with him under a brooding gray sky. It wasn’t bitterly cold, but it was chilly.

“Do you smoke?” the doctor asked.

“No.”

He took a long, deep drag and shook his head. “Don’t start.”

I met up with your mom in her room. She was awake, but she couldn’t move due to the spinal block. She seemed happy now and at peace. There was no hint of worry on her face.

A nurse walked in with a big smile on her face. “Do you want to hold your son?”

After all she’d been through, your mom was thinking more clearly than I was. “She means you.”

“Shit, yeah!” It was a grotesquely inappropriate comment which I regretted immediately, but no one seemed to mind.

I held your warm, tightly-bundled body in my arms, and my whole world changed.

Galactic Toilet Humor

Q: What did Spock find floating in Kirk’s private toilet?

A: Captain’s Log

Q: What did McCoy find there a few hours later?

A: Captain’s Log - Supplemental

Q: What stuck to Scotty’s bowl after he flushed it?

A: Klingons

Q: What did Commander Data find in Picard’s private toilet?

A: Number One

From the upcoming novel “Jokes From Uranus”

You Have The Power

Are you concerned about the train derailment and chemical spill in East Palestine, Ohio? Good. Do something about it. When a politician runs on the promise of “cutting regulations,” vote for the person running against them. When politicians who have a track record of deregulation come up for re-election, vote for the other guy. You have the power to prevent future tragedies.

Media Coverage

It’s interesting to compare the amount of national media coverage awarded to these environmental disasters.

East Palestine, Ohio
Population: 5000 (95 percent White)
Train derailment spilled toxic chemicals
Media coverage: High

Flint, Michigan
Population: 81,000 (56 percent Black)
Switch to corrosive water source caused extensive lead poisoning
Media coverage: Low 

Jackson, Mississippi
Population: 180,000 (83 percent Black)
Water supply contaminated by failures in aging purification plants
Media coverage: Rare

Enjoy Today

The most important thing is to enjoy where we are today as we strive toward where we want to be tomorrow.

10 Movies That I Deeply Despise

10 Movies That I Deeply Despise:

(You might like them, and that’s fine. Everyone’s taste is different.)

1. The Godfather (Plodding and grisly)

2. Gone With The Wind (She’s a mean-spirited brat)

3. Pretty Woman (So wrong on so many levels)

4. The Fugitive (Ridiculous plot, awful acting)

5. Die Hard 2 (Worst case scenario for bad sequels)

6. The Breakfast Club (The director should have gotten detention)

7. McLintock (From an era when men thought it was funny to beat their wives)

8. Aliens (Stop whining!)

9. From Here To Eternity (Incredibly bleak)

10. Eraserhead (89 minutes that seem like 89 hours)

A Tale Of Two Administrations

Biden Team: We have something that belongs to you.

Archives: We’ll be right over.

Biden Team: Here you go.

Archives: Thanks!

(meanwhile)

Archives: We think you have something that belongs to us.

Trump Team: We don’t think so.

Archives: Can you please check?

Trump Team: We’ve checked.

Archives: We’re sending a subpoena.

Trump Team: Okay, there might be a few things, We’ll send them over.

Archives: Thanks, but we think there should be more.

Trump Team: Doubt it.

Archives: Mind if we stop by?

Trump Team: (Quick! Hide the good stuff.) Um, okay.

Archives: You found some more?

Trump Team: Yes. Here you go!

Archives: Is that all of it?

Trump Team: Absolutely

Archives: Will you sign your name to that?

Trump Team: Um. Our junior counsel will sign. She’s not too bright.

Archives: We think there’s still more.

Trump Team: We said no.

Justice Dept: Open up! We have a warrant.

Trump Team: So unfair!

Justice Dept: Geez! Look at all of this stuff! We’re going to need a truck.

Trump Team: That’s ours. We declassified it.

Judge Cannon: Don’t look at what you found.

Archives: Are you serious? This belongs to us.

Judge Cannon: He says it belongs to him. Executive privilege.

Archives: We’re the executive. We have the privilege.

Judge Cannon: Pick a special master.

Justice Dept: I can’t believe this.

Special Master: I can’t believe I’m doing this.

Justice Dept: Is this really necessary?

Appeals Court: No, it’s just silly. You may proceed.

Trump Team: So unfair! Oh, wait! We found some more.

Fox Noise: Hey, look! Biden did the same thing!

Random Thoughts - 20230106

Random Thoughts - 20230106

If you had the ability to go back in time, did you?

I emailed a joke to my friend with no sense of humor. He didn’t get it.

My Jell-O tastes better. I stir it for ELEVEN minutes.

I find it improbable that people can fall in love online. A person might seem fascinating when you chat with them, and they might look dashing in the photos that they share, but one day you’ll meet them face to face. Will your first impressions hold up when you discover that they smell like eggplant and chew like a Rottweiler?

Before you say something unflattering about an ex, remember who invited that person into your life.

Barbarian History

One of the enduring lessons of history is that when barbarians take control, they’ll continue to fight amongst themselves, because despite their successes, they remain barbarians.

Creative Freedom

Creativity is an act of passion, not calculation.

Forget about rules. Forget about expectations. Forget about mistakes.

Throw your ideas out into the world with abandon. Move toward a state of rapturous frenzy where thoughts flow freely. Hold nothing back.

You can tidy things up later. If an idea doesn’t work, it will be obvious. Move on to the next one. Avoid second-guessing yourself into inaction.

Let go of the fear of doing something wrong. The only wrong step is hesitation. The only bad idea is one that gets stuck in your head because you didn’t give it a chance.