RNC Neighbors

I didn’t watch all of the Republican National Convention, but I did see a number of speakers across the four nights. Two things struck me. First, the sheer number of false statements and outrageous claims left my head spinning. Second, I realized that I would not want any of these people to live in my neighborhood.

As a case in point, would you want the gun-toting lawyer couple to live on your street? How would you feel about them parading around with an AR-15 assault rifle every time they had an issue that they felt that they could not resolve peacefully?

Or how about Rudolph Giuliani, the once respected mayor of New York City. How would you feel about Rudy stopping you to discuss his latest kooky conspiracy theory while you’re out walking the dog? Even the dog wouldn’t enjoy that.

How about the lady who thinks that the husband should do the voting for the household (actually in her case, I might agree) or that the police would be “smart” to racially profile her dark-skinned male child (attention Family Services, please rescue that kid!). Imagine the topical conversations that you could enjoy if you ran into that woman at the grocery store.

Then there’s venerable Coach Lou Holtz. How would you like to have this guy as your next door neighbor? He could walk over to the fence a couple of times a week to remind that you you’re not a real Christian because you don’t agree with him on certain policy issues. Thanks, Coach! Great pep talk!

Herschel Walker would be an interesting neighbor. You could meet for coffee at the local diner once a month and reminisce about the amazing success of the USFL.

Or how about Rick Grenell? He lies so freely, he could make the current president look honest by comparison. That might make us all feel better.

How about that smarmy Covington Catholic kid? Imagine that self-righteous little prick sneering back at you from a few lanes down at the bowling alley. Be careful, now! Assault is still a crime.

How about Senator Rand Paul, the famous libertarian? His real life neighbor hates him so much that he beat the crap out of him. 

Then there’s screaming Kimberley Guilfoyle. You might want to keep some earplugs handy in case a gentleman decides to spend the night at her place.

Last, but not least, let’s give a special nod to Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds and South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, a couple of factory refurbished Stepford Wives with apparent software malfunctions that have transformed them into full Blade Runner mode. If either of these ladies moves into your neighborhood, please don’t leave children or small animals unattended, and you might want to consider hiring a bodyguard for the milkman.