Geoff responded with a surly tone. "Why do you ask?"
"Whoa!" Stanley exclaimed. "I didn't mean to bother you."
"You didn't bother me," Geoff said impatiently.
"Okay! Sorry!" Stanley offered in desperation. He wanted to say something funny in an attempt to cut the tension, but he wasn't sure that he should say anything at all.
"Look..." Geoff hesitated for a moment. "I probably shouldn't tell you this."
"Tell me what?" Stanley asked with a puzzled look.
"I know about the sandwich."
"What sandwich?"
"The sandwich. The one that you swiped from the refrigerator last Thursday. Tuna salad."
Stanley displayed a look of shock, but before he could say anything, Geoff continued.
"It was Anne's sandwich. She was upset when she discovered that someone had taken it."
"And you think that it was me?" Stanley protested.
Geoff glared with an accusing look.
"Hey! I didn't..." Stanley began.
"Save it!" Geoff interrupted. "Don't worry. I'm not going to tell her that it was you."
"Look, I didn't take the sandwich, all right?" Stanley insisted.
Geoff stood silently for a moment. His eyes looked through Stanley as though he were focusing on a distant object.
"Yeah, maybe you're right," Geoff reasoned. "Maybe it wasn't you."
"You're darned right it wasn't me!" Stanley offered with feigned outrage. Stanley had indeed eaten the tuna sandwich, but he wasn't about to admit it.
"I apologize," Geoff said.
"Thank you!" Stanley exclaimed with a mix of relief and vindication.
"I apologize," Geoff repeated.
"You already apologized," said Stanley with a smirk. "Apology accepted."
"No, Stan. I apologize for reading your mind."
"You what?" Stanley reacted with a gasp and a laugh. A small projectile of saliva flew out from between his parted lips.
"We don't talk about it, of course. Well, not typically. But some of us can do it... Read minds... Read thoughts..."
"Geoff!" Stanley exclaimed. "You're putting me on, right? This isn't funny."
"No, Stan. It's not funny. It's not funny when you steal someone's sandwich, either."
"Dude, you're weiriding me out!" Stanley countered. "Maybe you should just let this whole sandwich thing go. I mean, what if I told Ed about this conversation?"
"Go ahead!" Geoff said.
"Dude, are you feeling all right?"
"I feel fine," Geoff assured him. "Tell Ed about the sandwich or whatever you'd like to say. And I'll tell him about the laptop."
"What laptop?" Stanley demanded.
"The laptop that you reported missing last year. Remember? You told Ed that you had left it in a cab. But you really gave it to your son to use in college."
"Okay," Stanley replied angrily. "I don't know what you think you know, but this is NOT funny."
"Ed had his suspicions," Geoff continued. "He wanted to fire you, but he didn't have any proof. He figured that it was easier to just let it go."
Stanley turned to leave. "This is a bunch of crap."
"Don't worry," Geoff continued with a chuckle. "What am I going to do? Tell Ed that I read your mind?"
"You're...something's not right with you, Geoff!"
"Oh, by the way, your son is failing Calculus. You should call him. He could use a tutor."
"Don't bring my family into this!"
"I didn't. You're the one who gave him the laptop."
It was true, of course. Stanley had fabricated the story about the lost laptop. He installed a new operating system and gave it to his son, Mark. But Geoff could not have known. He was obviously fishing. Stanley knew better than to admit the theft. It would cost him his job.
"Are you trying to shake me down, Geoff?" Stanley was visibly angry. "What, do you have a camera in here?"
"No camera," Geoff assured Stanley. "I told you the truth - I read your mind."
"For instance," Geoff continued, "I know that you interviewed at Forester last month. It was a Tuesday. You met with Stephen Jenkins and Melinda Schwartz. Melinda liked your tie, but neither of them felt that you were qualified. That's why they never called you back even though they haven't filled the position."
Stanley stood speechless. How did Geoff know? How could he know?
Geoff continued. "You took a cab to the interview. You stiffed the driver, an older Pakistani gentleman, because you thought that he drove too slowly. You had a valid point, of course. The guy needs cataract surgery. He probably shouldn't be driving. But you didn't have to stiff the guy. I mean, it's a little thing. Like when you stole your neighbor's new paint roller when he was on the phone."
"What the hell, Geoff?"
"Yeah, well anyway, I could go on. But it's none of my business. I just didn't like what you did to Anne. She's always been nice to you. You really should apologize."
"Is that what this is about, Geoff? A freaking tuna sandwich?"
"It was Anne's sandwich. You shouldn't have eaten it."
"Okay, I'll freaking apologize!"
"Lower your voice, Stan."
"Okay, I'll apologize," Stanley assured him in just over a whisper. Just stop with the mumbo jumbo. I don't know how you're doing this, but you're scaring the crap out of me.
"Oh, and when you talk to Anne... don't look at her chest. She doesn't like it."
"Really? Your ESP told you that?"
"No. Anne told me."
"I... I don't appreciate your little practical joke. And I'm going to mention this conversation to HR."
"Oh, that should be interesting. Maybe you should tell them that you're hearing voices."
"Screw you, Geoff! You've had your fun..."
"Don't be mad, Stan. I haven't said anything that wasn't true. Plus, I do have some good news for you."
"Oh, I'm sure you do!" Stanley blurted sarcastically.
"Remember the Christmas party? Remember that girl from accounting? You guys were doing karaoke together."
"What about her?"
"She wanted to go home with you that night."
"Really?"
"Totally."
"Is she still interested?"
"Heck no. She moved on. Met a guy shortly afterward."
"So, how is that good news?"
"Well, it was good news. You just didn't pick up it."
"Thanks for the tip, Geoff. You full of shit."
"Well, here's another tip. Don't overstate your charitable donations this year - like you usually do. You're going to be audited."
Stanley paused. "How would you know that?"
"Just be careful, Stan."
"Great. Are we done here?"
"There's just one more thing," Geoff continued. "I know your secrets. So far I've told only you. But if you mess with Anne's lunch again. Or if you act like a jerk to her or anyone else in the office. Or if you EVER have another sexual fantasy about my wife like the one that you had between 11:07 and 11:19 pm last Tuesday night, some of your friends and colleagues are going to learn some interesting things about you."
Stanley bit his lower lip nervously.
"Be nice, Stanley," Geoff added. "I'm not the only one."
Copyright © 2014 Daniel R. South
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