South Of Someplace

Friday, November 27, 2015

Ultimate Black Friday Savings

Here's the best way to save money on Black Friday: Buy nothing.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

At The Intersection Of Fate And Absurdity

It seemed like a straightforward plan.

1 - Leave work a little early (shouldn't be an issue on the week of a major holiday).

2 - Pick up a rental car for the weekend.

3 - Stop by a favorite restaurant for a quick dinner.

4 - Park the car in a garage where I can retrieve it when I'm packed and ready.

5 - Catch a train back home.

6 - Use the rest of the evening to take care of trip preparations.

Let's see how it worked out.

A. At the office, my expensive computer glasses decide to self-destruct.

B. The trip to the drugstore to buy replacement reading glasses causes me to be late to an important meeting.

C. People keep asking me for details about a meeting that is supposed to occur at 8 am tomorrow. The guy who's supposed to set it up procrastinates.

D. As I'm getting ready to leave the office, Meeting Procrastinator Guy makes an urgent request for information. This yields an hour delay in my schedule.

E. As I leave the office, I see one of my colleagues limping. She has injured her ankle and has to go somewhere for an emergency MRI.

F. When I get to the rental agency, they have no cars left in the size that I requested. They take me to another office where they have a car with the specifications.

G. The car smells strongly of tobacco smoke. And it's almost out of gas.

H. I drive around with my windows down. I'm looking for gas stations and trying to air out the car.

I. The two nearest gas stations are closed. Permanently closed, as in no longer gas stations.

J. The restaurant that I wanted to visit is closed for renovations. I go to a pizza place instead.

K. I get to the train station twelve minutes before the train arrives. It should be plenty of time to park, but a massive traffic jam in the pick up and drop off area prevents me from entering the garage.

L. I watch my train go by - right on time! - as I remain idling in my car.

M. I finally get into the garage and park the car. The next train isn't due for nearly an hour, so I relax and listen to music.

N. On the way to the train, I just need to stop by the rest room. Unfortunately, another train has just let out, and now the men's room is mobbed.

O. Concerned that I'll miss the train, I race up to the platform. An announcement indicates that this train is running ten minutes behind schedule. (If the last train had run late, I might have CAUGHT it.)

If I'm arrested for assault, destruction of property, or pyromania in the next 24 hours, you'll know why.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Make A Mistake - Change Your Life

Try something. Make a mistake. Mistakes provide information. Information will help you to do better when you try again.

If you fear mistakes, you won't let yourself try. When you don't try, you don't learn. When you don't learn, you don't get very far. Fear wins out. Opportunities pass you by.

Give yourself permission to make a mistake, to make a bunch of mistakes, to goof up, to fall on your face, to suck, to look stupid, to endure rejection and even ridicule. Mistakes are painful, but they are also powerful. Inaction is paralyzing. We don't get anywhere by standing still.

Yes You Can!

Those who claim that you CAN'T are bitter because they DIDN'T.

The Enigma of Yoga

Yoga seems like a fascinating combination of relaxation and torture, as though someone were giving you a full body massage while stretching you to death on the rack.

How About Detroit?

Population of Detroit in 1950: 1,850,000

Population of Detroit in 2010: 700,000

Conclusion: Detroit has room for 1,150,000 refugees.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Refugee Dilemma

Think of the dilemma facing the refugees who might be relocated to the USA. They can try to survive in a violent country full of hard liners with guns. Or they can just stay in Syria.

Dear Governor

Dear Governor,

Please don't permit Syrian refugees to settle in our state. Our safety and well being should be your first priority.

- A concerned citizen

P.S. Can you do anything to reduce the high price of cigarettes?

(Hopefully that wasn't too subtle a comparison between the risks of dying from terrorism versus tobacco-related illness.)

How To Feel Safe

How to feel safe:

1. Stock up on guns and ammo (even though guns kill tens of thousands of people per year, both accidentally and on purpose, and they make your home less safe than it would be if you didn't own one).

2. Ban refugees (who haven't hurt anyone and who wouldn't be refugees if they actually liked to kill people - they could just join ISIS instead).

That ought to work!

Monday, November 16, 2015

Syrian Refugee Swap

Here's a plan for the Syrian refugees. Admit 100,000 refugees to the USA and send 100,000 Tea Partiers to Syria. Think win-win!

Actually, if Syria will double down and accept 200,000 Tea Partiers, we'll throw Dr. Ben Carson in for free. What a deal!